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BE A PERSON FIRST!
Help Strangers Feel Less Strange
You don’t have to be brilliant, just nice.
—BERNARDO CARDUCCI, PHD, former director of the Shyness Research Institute
When it comes to small talk, your words may be forgotten, but how you make people feel will be remembered. Light chatter may seem trite, but it’s the small talk that leads to the big talk. Studies show that tossing in a bit of interpersonal prattle builds bonds at the office, engenders a feeling of well-being, and creates a welcome break. The goal is not to become best friends; it’s simply the enjoyment of sharing a topic of mutual interest—for a few minutes. There are painfully shy people who admit to hiding in restrooms or faking phone calls to dodge conversation, but don’t let them stop you from offering up a moment of human connection.
According to an Ernst and Young study, the workplace beats neighborhoods and places of worship as sources of community. Being asked about one’s personal and professional lives is more significant in fostering belonging than public recognition or invitations to office events. Do not underestimate the power of small talk.
Chinwag (a UK campaign to combat loneliness) reported that 40 percent of British workers feel isolated at work. If someone has a quick chat with them, 61 percent express positive feelings, but . . . they won’t initiate conversation if they don’t know their colleagues well enough. Taking the first step is hard—and appreciated.
Management by walking around (or MBWA), is the practice of wandering in an unstructured manner through the workplace to engage in unscripted, unplanned conversations. Promoted by Thomas Peters and Robert Waterman in 1982, the timeliness of this technique is ever more apparent as coworkers are communicating and being managed electronically, even when they work in the same building. Rather than being distracting, the judicious unannounced visit builds rapport and can facilitate the exchange of productive ideas.
THIS IS FOR YOU IF
• You’re goal-driven, but smart enough to know you can’t always just jump in and run to the target.
• It can feel lonely at times—time to connect with humans.
• Three minutes doesn’t seem like that much of an investment to make things run more smoothly around here.
TAKE ACTION
My Israeli colleagues assure me that a head nod is all that is needed (grunt, optional) to acknowledge one’s colleagues when passing by. My Kenyan collaborators advise just the opposite in their hometowns. When passing someone you know, you must stop and inquire about the family, the sick animals, and what they had for dinner. What’s a work group of mixed backgrounds to do? Assuming you can “read” if someone isn’t interested and given that most people are happy if someone else instigates it, figure two minutes of connection is welcome until proven otherwise.
Be pro-social in your chatter. Spread positive news about others.
Research areas of potential mutual interest before you meet someone for the first time. You may uncover a shared hobby or cause. Come prepared to ask about it. Take a minute before diving into a business discussion to find that common bond.
Feeling shy yourself? Don’t know what to say? Ask questions! Most people like to talk about themselves. Check in on the kids, their weekend plans, or the pets. Look for clues. What pictures or trinkets adorn your colleagues’ desks or cubicles? If all else fails, comment on the weather or the setting (it’s something you both share).
Offer up a compliment, about anything.
Consider building in quick small talk rituals for your team. This is especially important when working with remote teams who only hear others’ voices periodically. Start your meeting with a quick warm-up. Ask what animal reflects each person’s mood today, or what piece of news caught their attention. Keep it brief. You want to ease into conversation, not overwhelm it.
Just introduced? Don’t go silent after you shake hands—continue by volunteering something about yourself. It doesn’t have to be anything particularly revealing, although it doesn’t hurt to have a few interesting personal tidbits to share that are front of mind. For example, do you grow tulips, love Italian grappa, or collect vintage vinyl? You never know, you might be able to work that into a conversation.
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KEEP IN MIND
• Some people take time to warm up, while others truly aren’t that interested in chatting. When in doubt, ask permission. “May I tell you a quick story?” Use humor. See if you can get a smile out of them. No? Keep walking.
• Making small talk is not an excuse to spread gossip. If you do, you’ll be seen as less trustworthy, and your team will become less cooperative and more political.