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STROKE THEIR NARCISSISM
All Egos Need a Little Love
People never get tired of talking about themselves.
—MY AUNT ROZ
Let’s be honest. We all want to be appreciated for our greatness. You’re not seeking praise (we have a chapter on that) or a task-based thank you (there’s a chapter about that as well). What we are talking about here is acknowledgment of what you have contributed over time, the history you have with the company, the pioneering research you have done, the importance of your role or your experience in the sector.
This desire for recognition may be close to the surface, or it may be your guilty secret. Although you “should” be above the drive for appreciation, you’re not immune to a touch of normal narcissism and neither is the person next to you. Belief in oneself is a sign of mental health. Sustaining a healthy ego requires periodic nourishment, but here’s the secret—feed your colleagues’ egos first and you won’t go hungry. Even the most self-assured colleagues who carry themselves as if they are above it all will find well-placed ego strokes irresistible.
When you aren’t recognized for your position or contribution, at first you may feel badly about yourself, but soon that simmering discomfort bubbles into feeling even worse about your colleagues. That’s when trouble sets in. “Why aren’t they seeking out my opinion?” “Why am I suddenly so disrespected?” Their perspective: You’ve created the conditions for others to succeed and are likely moving on to new endeavors. After all, you are a pro. Your perspective: Don’t they realize all I have done?
What do your successors want? Your approval! What are you not willing to give them now? Any recognition! The result? A narcissistic desert devoid of ego gratification for everyone. In the war for appreciation, stroke first.
Drew’s shirt is always crisply ironed. He wears cufflinks and a big gold watch. He walks with a swagger, he drives a convertible, and he’s boiling inside. He’s made the money; he’s on the management committee. He recruited the new Chief Investment Officer. All he wants is a nod to his influence, a stroke of his natural narcissism. “Can’t they see that I’ve launched this new field? I was investing in bitcoin before there was even a name for cryptocurrencies, and now no one is putting me on the agenda to address the latest developments. Sure, we’ve hired an alternative investment specialist to lead our firm’s effort, but don’t these guys know that I convinced management to take the initial risk that brought us millions?” Drew’s ire could have been avoided had his colleagues kicked off the meeting saying, “We wouldn’t be here today if not for Drew’s creativity and foresight.” Or, perhaps, they could have asked him to comment at the end. Instead, Drew, an infuriated and highly influential senior executive, set out to undermine the credibility of his new associates.
On the spectrum of ego needs, Drew is more like most of us, exhibiting a normal narcissism. Further on the continuum are folks whose hunger for acknowledgment can feel insatiable. These are extreme narcissists. They are plugged in, dynamic, and inspirational. They’re winners and you want to be part of their plan. Are they magnets, you ask? Good question. These charismatic folks may be magnetic at the onset, but they lose their luster once you realize it’s all about them. Initially, you want to work for their campaign, join their startup, or take a pay cut to chase the vision they made you believe was possible. We’re in this together (you think) and it’s invigorating. And then . . . you start to feel depleted; motivation wanes as you have a rising sense that you have been robbed—of your achievements. If your ego got kicked to the back seat as you aimed to please the now irascible (previously irresistible) boss or coworker who relentlessly pursues affirmation, you may be working with an extreme narcissist.
Although data indicates that the true ingredients for success are competence rather than confidence, altruism rather than egotism, and integrity rather than charisma, many extreme narcissists make it to the top. Innovation, pioneering policy, and perseverance in the face of adversity are fueled by a majestic sense of self. As a result, it’s likely that over the course of your career you will find yourself working for (or with) someone who has an extremely hungry ego, limited empathy, and an inflated sense of self-importance.
Don’t be fooled. Confidence can coexist with a desperate desire to prove one’s worth. To protect themselves from feelings of inadequacy, they can put on a cloak of arrogance and self-aggrandizement. There’s often an inverse correlation between an overt pursuit of praise and strong self-esteem. Those peacocks strutting their stuff at work (no matter their place in the hierarchy)—the ones you are least motivated to applaud—are often the very people who could use a little love. When in doubt, stroke their narcissism. Really. It helps them relax.
Here’s a common dynamic: The narcissist makes you feel like what you do doesn’t matter. They don’t give you credit for work you did, and they flaunt their accomplishments and grab the spotlight. It’s not fair. It’s disrespectful. This flagrant disregard for your contributions makes you want to ignore or downplay their successes. You don’t want to laud them; you want to punish them. Resist the urge to strike back. Rather than assert your value, demonstrate a deference to theirs.
You are probably wondering why I am encouraging bad behavior. Shouldn’t we recoil from the enveloping egoist and make them suffer the consequences of their exasperating behavior? I hear you, but surviving the extreme narcissist requires counterintuitive action.
Narcissists have super-sensors for rejection. You can get attacked for anything the narcissist sniffs as criticism. That’s the bad news. The good news is that although narcissists are notorious for ruthlessly manipulating others, they’re exceptionally vulnerable to being duped themselves because their super-sized egos require continual affirmation from others to remain securely (though artificially) inflated. Don’t throw water on a narcissist’s electrical storm. Tame the beast by acknowledging their awesomeness. It’s OK to make it about them. Try these helpful phrases: “You are the only one who can help me.” “How can I help you?” Chances are, when your insecure colleague sees you as a nonthreatening extension of themselves, they’ll be the first to sing your praises.
THIS IS FOR YOU IF
• You forget to consider who needs to be complimented, consulted, or recognized publicly.
• Established professionals in your field are giving you the cold shoulder.
• Your colleague has an insatiable desire for admiration.
• You dream of strangling coworkers who can’t seem to acknowledge your accomplishments.
• You want to gain support for your ideas.
TAKE ACTION
When you are surrounded by lots of egotists, you run the risk of feeling badly about yourself. Fight the urge to assert your own worth to recoup your self-esteem. Instead, give praise and relax into your social power. Those who are devaluing others are signaling their desperate desire for admiration. Look for a legitimate way to levy praise. There’s usually something you can compliment. Consider commenting on effort, even if the outcome wasn’t so impressive.
When there is tension between you and another person, you may be least likely to find something positive to affirm in their behavior. Push yourself. Elevating another person’s self-worth is a very powerful way of defusing conflict.
As a means of forging a deeper relationship, try reflecting back to a person what they most personally value. For example, when entering Emma’s postage stamp–sized bookshop, be sure to comment on her courage to enact her dream. Note how the store is designed, and definitely underscore Emma’s ability to arrive in a new city and establish herself so quickly with the glitterati (yes, yes, you get a little nauseous with what you experience as social climbing, but to Emma it’s about assimilation and sponsorship, so go with that).
Replace but with and to avoid going head-to-head with an overly cocky counterpart. Try building on that person’s idea to advance your own.
KEEP IN MIND
• Respond, don’t react. The management of the narcissist’s ego is a sport, not a personal affront to you. Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself. If you have tried everything you can think of during at least a year’s time and the situation is still too debilitating, you may have to explore alternative employment.
• Watch your timing! Don’t overcompliment your boss before a promotion or review. That can be seen as overtly manipulative.