33
APOLOGIZE
Don’t Justify or Explain Why
Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
—BUDDHA
Have you apologized recently? No? There’s something wrong. Quick, take your pulse! Surely, there must have been something you cared enough about that you drove your perspective a little too hard, took a shortcut that backfired, or pissed off your colleagues. If you aren’t periodically pushing the boundaries, you risk boredom, block innovation, and can become profoundly dull. If you blithely do as you please because you are the boss, the funder, or today’s beloved employee, you may think you are getting away with organizational murder, but the court of public opinion will eventually deliver your punishment (potentially at an inopportune moment). Making errors isn’t the problem. Failing to apologize when your actions negatively impact others—that’s when the trouble sets in. Sometimes we inadvertently hurt or undermine others. It’s embarrassing when we find out, and, in the moment, gulping disappearing potion has huge appeal. If no one notices or mentions your bad conduct, maybe we can all pretend it didn’t happen. Wrong. What if I had a good reason for acting inappropriately? Nope, that doesn’t get you out of apologizing either.
People get angry at work. That can’t be avoided. I consider anger the basecoat of emotions. It lies beneath many of the other occupational feeling states. Shame, betrayal, exclusion (and affection) all beget anger. Without the fire in our belly, action attenuates. A study using fMRI technology allows us to see emotions by mapping elevated physiological sensations based on the activation of facial muscles, skin temperature, and limb activity. Happiness, love, and anger all produce a similar glow. These are called “emotions of approach”; we move toward someone or something when we love them, if they make us happy . . . or if we are out to get them because we are mad. Physiologically, anger is akin to positive emotions. If you don’t care, then you don’t engage, you don’t light up. If we want people to be passionate about their work, expect to find its red-hot twin, fury. Anger gets a bad rap and should if it leads to abuse or relentless negativity, but let’s give it some respect. Don’t pretend everything is alright when we have provoked our colleagues or slimed them with our frustration.
Given the frequency of human error, you would think we would be better at asking for forgiveness and enabling others to admit their mistakes. If only it were that easy to be accountable when we screw up. Although it’s possible that drawing attention to our missteps may tarnish our reputations in the immediate, in the long term, team trust and performance are often enhanced. Stanford management professor Robert Sutton, author of Good Boss, Bad Boss, says the first thing to do is not to sugarcoat your error, but to take the blame fully. Affirming your responsibility is a form of taking control. The conversations stimulated by your apology often lead to strengthened relationships.
Openness about your mistakes sets the stage for others to share their errors. Employees who fear fessing up hide issues that could have been solved had they been aired. If you are honest about your failings, you have a greater chance that important truths make their way to your ears.
The gurus of regret concur on the recipe for an effective apology. It should demonstrate humility and when possible be delivered face-to-face. While email can be a tempting alternative, if you can’t look a person in the eye, at least pick up the phone. It’s important to say the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” and to provide a clear, succinct indication of exactly what you’re apologizing for. Endure the awkwardness. Incomplete or insincere efforts can backfire. Offer suggestions on how you will work to avoid the mistake in the future, propose ways to make amends, and then sit back and let the other person vent if needed. Don’t make excuses for yourself. Don’t interrupt, argue, refute, or correct. Resist bringing up your own criticisms and complaints. Even when the offended party is largely at fault, apologize for your part in the incident, however small it may be. In some instances, your vulnerability may set the stage for others to explore ways in which they may have contributed to the problem—but don’t count on it. Be prepared to learn something unexpected by listening deeply. For example, you may find out that another error you made was even greater than the one for which you apologized!
THIS IS FOR YOU IF
• You are human. Even if you are a robot, you should learn to say, “I’m sorry.”
• The air is thick, there’s no place to hide, and yet you want to pretend that everything is OK.
• You find yourself taking the long route to your desk to avoid them.
• Maybe, just maybe, you did something wrong.
TAKE ACTION
Extend an invitation for an in-person meeting to the colleague you slighted. Avoid the excuse “this person works for me.”
Find the fun in admitting your error. Mock yourself before others do.
Say what is necessary. Keep from over-apologizing. The best apologies are short and don’t include explanations that can undo them.
Leave room for the other person to respond, and remember to listen.
Once you’ve expressed your regret, put it behind you and move on. We are all fallible—no need to beat yourself up.
Don’t offer “I’m sorry” gifts like flowers, which can be misinterpreted or seen as too personal a gesture. The best investment is a heartfelt expression of regret and ownership of your error.
Concentrate on what you have done and how others have been impacted by your actions. Avoid saying, “I’m sorry that you feel. . . .” Blaming other people for their reactions puts the onus of the problem on them and turns “I’m sorry” into “I’m not really sorry at all.”
It’s never too late to say you’re sorry. However, it’s better to admit your error quickly and emphatically.
KEEP IN MIND
• Anger at oneself and frustration at another person are frequent bedfellows. We inflict internal pain when we judge ourselves by unrealistic standards: “I should have seen that coming.” “I never should have trusted her.” Check the source of your fury. Calming your inner demon is protection against attacking the innocent guy at the desk next to yours.
• While it’s hard to admit mistakes, it’s sometimes even harder to accept an apology. When the tables are turned, allow the person to express their remorse, listen carefully, and show appreciation for their efforts in making amends.