21
YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT
Trust Me on This, I’m Not Wrong
If you never change your mind, why have one?
—EDWARD DE BONO
Preserve your reputation and help make someone else’s by not always being right. A desperate fear of being wrong should signal to you that . . . something is very wrong. An overattachment to being infallible is a sign of insecurity. If you want to flex your strength and affirm your position in a group, admit that there are limits to your knowledge and be inquisitive about opposing opinions. Standing resolute, ears closed, arms crossed, and mind shut off from new information signals vulnerability and fear.
People who hold to their ideology so tightly that reasonable dialogue becomes difficult pay a heavy price. They can find themselves isolated. Colleagues work around blowhards or undermine their results.
With a need to be right, you also run the risk of conflating truth with fact. Whose truth? What if two different viewpoints each conform to the truth? Which is more right? Or if I am right, does that make you wrong? Many of us were raised in educational systems that enforced a binary of right and wrong answers. Today’s workplace is increasingly specialized. When we are paid to be the expert it’s hard to contemplate alternative realities, especially when they are presented by those who are not officially in a position to render an opinion (but may have a very valuable perspective nonetheless). Are you at the top of the hierarchy? It’s even harder for staff to challenge you and that much more important to relinquish your grasp on being right.
Are you ambitious and eager for promotion? Sometimes even when you are clearly correct, don’t hog the spotlight. You don’t always have to get credit for your view. If someone else is promoting ideas that are aligned with yours, and they are gaining traction, show support and let your teammate soak up the admiration. Your generosity will be appreciated and your ability to relax with confidence as the group works its way to a solution you believe in will increase your appeal.
Sometimes you are dead wrong. Experiment with the sweet relief of simply saying, “I made a mistake.” The inability to admit an error can cause real damage. It’s natural to want the team or boss to be confident in your abilities, so you look for ways to demonstrate all that you know. It’s a great plan if all goes well. Which it won’t. Mistakes happen. You make the wrong judgment call. Saving money seemed to be a good idea when you awarded the contract to a less experienced vendor. The event planner didn’t bring the tables on time. The weather didn’t cooperate. The freelancers didn’t check their phone messages. Errors spin out of control when you try to hide them. It’s best to come clean. The hard work of establishing quality connections can be undermined by a failure to admit a mistake.
THIS IS FOR YOU IF
• You are desperate to be correct. It feels like your job depends on it.
• Being wrong isn’t tolerated in your office.
• You live in an echo chamber. Your social media, news feed, and reading material are written by people who share your views.
• You’re the boss and believe that staff just need to take instruction.
• You’re junior on the team and are eager to show all that you know.
• “They” did it better in the place you used to work.
• When challenged, you talk louder.
• Being asked to explain yourself feels like an insult.
TAKE ACTION
Rather than being argumentative, try being additive. The first rule of improvisational comedy is called “Yes, and. . . .” For example, if you open a sketch with, “Hey, there’s a purple orangutan in the bathroom.” “No, there’s not” is the wrong response. With the denial, the scene goes nowhere. But if the reply is affirmative, “Yes, and I tried to squeeze him into the medicine cabinet, but your pills take up too much room,” well, then it gets interesting.
Engage in discussion to reveal other points of view, not demand acceptance of yours. Sometimes someone’s perception or counterargument can add complexity or nuance to your position.
Remember that just because you are right, the other person isn’t necessarily wrong. Equally, if you are wrong, the other person may still not be right. Enjoy the shared discovery.
Be accountable and apologize for your errors. (There’s a later chapter on apologizing, in case you need help.)
Recognize that at a certain point, the discussion is over and the team (and you) must commit even if there’s disagreement. Try summarizing the opposing views to demonstrate that they were heard, and then remind the group that a decision was made.
Realize that people who voice a strong opinion may be a little scared inside, or at least more open to a discussion than it initially appears. Ask permission to explore what you think might be right, despite someone else’s confidence that you are wrong.
Check if you are creating an environment where mistakes are not tolerated. Even the most junior member of a team can shut down discussion by teasing or gossiping when someone makes an error.
KEEP IN MIND
• Don’t let overconfidence in your own opinion prevent you from inviting in or paying attention to alternative views. Sometimes someone’s counterargument, even if wrong, can add complexity or nuance to your position/idea etc.
• Don’t say, “I told you so.” Resist!