Lose the Red Suit

“You are quite different than the British male bankers attending your workshops,” observed the head of training at UBS. “You are a woman, an American, a psychologist, and very brightly dressed. The only thing we can change is your suit.” True, my audience’s wardrobe ran the gamut from grey to dark blue, but I always enjoyed expressing myself with color. Upon receiving the unsolicited fashion consult, my face was as red as my outfit. Once I metabolized my fury, I realized that I wasn’t being insulted. I wasn’t being fired. I wasn’t losing my contract. I was being coached for success. The ruby suit story has become my mental moniker, reminding me to be sensitive to the ways I can connect to (or distance) myself from a group. Aspiring to be our self at work may be the goal, but we can’t be too absolutist. It’s always important to adjust to the audience.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Detractors

“How’m I doing?!” was a favorite catchphrase of former New York City Mayor Ed Koch. Early in his career, while running for office, he would hand out flyers at subway stations on Friday mornings. The unexpected question got busy commuters to stop. Over time it defined his brand. Koch paused that half-second to ask the question, and then lingered a second more to hear the answer. He got credit just for asking. Engaging others to offer commentary signals respect and invites people to be partners in your future success. Mayor Koch anticipated the current online craze of rating customer experience. The truth might hurt, but not knowing can be even more dangerous. When conducting feedback interviews on behalf of my clients I always ask to meet with their greatest detractors. Not surprisingly, asking for their opinions often transforms opponents into supporters.

It’s Not About the Hair

Jo was making snide remarks in public and at staff meetings, which infuriated her boss, Lida, who ran a successful recruiting firm where autonomy was a proud part of the company culture. Despite the flexible work hours, Lida believed that Jo was taking advantage. She would leave midday and return with perfectly coiffed hair. “How dare she get a blow-dry on my time?” Lida stewed, but didn’t say anything as she didn’t want to create conflict. Instead, Lida made not-so-subtle faces when Jo left the office and she started to “oops, forget to include Jo on client calls.” Lida and Jo were engaged in a passive-aggressive dance that wasn’t entertaining anyone.

With some coaching Lida came clean and offered constructive feedback to Jo. Leaving work for personal reasons was taking advantage of the company policy, and her negative comments about the boss were further eroding trust. Jo wasn’t pleased initially. She hit her targets, so what’s the issue? Lida persisted. Time in the office was important. Leaving to meet with candidates was one thing, but midday beauty rituals were not aligned with the hardworking values the company prized. More importantly Lida was deeply disappointed (and hurt) that she couldn’t count on a senior staff member to be a role model. Ultimately, it wasn’t really about the hair. It was about feeling disrespected, and that was the essential feedback. Once the direct conversation took place, the hidden daggers were dropped, and Jo, Lida, and the team breathed a sigh of relief.