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DECODE YOUR COLLEAGUES’ EMOTIONAL CLUES
They’re the Key to Connection and Success
Group dynamics run on two roadways. The hallways connecting offices are akin to the local thoroughfare—lots of stop signs, distractions, and potential delays. Let’s call this the cognitive passage. It’s the path you are likely most familiar with. You can orient yourself with recognizable signposts—there are memos and meetings, formal presentations, and snack room chatter. There’s an alternative route, faster but daunting to enter. You have to go deep through confusing muck, shift gears, and invest in the journey, but once you access it, there’s plenty of fuel for new projects, traffic clears, and suddenly there are multiple connecting routes to reach your destination. This is the emotional speedway.
Here’s what I’ve learned during the past 30 years: Sticking with what you can readily see and label is comfortable but often inefficient. Taking a break from words to pay attention to mood (yours and theirs) marks the difference between average and superior performers. Pause to experience and respond to the tension in the room, the worried looks, the giddy anticipation, or the detached gaze of your peers. These are vital data points. Many professionals sense what’s going on beneath the surface, and to their detriment, choose to ignore it. In most offices, employees are reticent to articulate what’s motivating them, complicating their production, or scaring them silly. Your ability to decode (and respond to) your colleagues’ (not so hidden) emotional clues is your competitive advantage.
To enhance your interpersonal savvy, try this psychological hack—it’s the foolproof secret. It requires you to use your own psyche as an investigative instrument. I call it checking the emotional mirror. Begin with the hypothesis that if you feel it, likely they feel it, too. When confronted with a new opportunity, an intractable conflict, or an unfamiliar collaborator:
1. Take a minute, maybe even 180 seconds; breathe deeply and tap into how you are feeling. Are you uncomfortable (or excited)? What negative outcomes do you fear? Why is success so important to you in this instance? Keep going. Are there core beliefs that are being challenged by the circumstances? Is a raw nerve or insecurity being tapped? Is there something “wrong”? Does the air “smell bad” in the office? Go down another level. See if you can venture below your work veneer and find some words to express what’s bubbling up. Remember, our gut is filled with neuroreceptors. At times our brain fails us, but our body doesn’t lie. How does your stomach feel? Are your teeth clenched? Is your back aching? Try to name the experience.
2. Scan your environment. Who else might be sharing the same feeling (positive or negative)?
3. Practice strategic vulnerability: Start a conversation with your coworkers, not about what has to get done but how the work is impacting you. Label your concerns or excitement. Leave lots of room for them to respond and share their experience. How is the work affecting them? If they ask why you are inquiring now, tell the truth. Your emotional radar was activated, and you thought it might be signaling some discomfort (or happy anticipation) on their part. By connecting in this way, as fellow humans, you are giving permission for a peer, direct report, or partner to transition with you to the superhighway.
WHEN THERE’S TENSION BETWEEN YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE
If you feel angry, perhaps your colleague is also seeing red. He appears calm, but then again, he’s reticent to give you the information you need in a timely manner. I know, I know, you can’t imagine why this cocky creature would be unhappy. After all, he has access to all the information and his slow response time is provoking you. But if you want to continue this necessary partnership, rather than approaching your coworker with a litany of missed deadlines and a demand that he shape up, ask about his experience. The conversation may release pain on both sides and produce a new level of understanding. Chances are, the speed of your collaboration will escalate as well.
If you feel undermined by your direct reports, drop your defensiveness and see if you can uncover ways that you may be making people feel small. Feeling disrespected? Are you sure others feel respected by you? Ask them.
WHEN YOU NEED TO MOTIVATE GROUPS
Rather than kicking off a new project with spreadsheets and deadlines, try sharing your definition of success and why it’s important to you. Then ask others to do the same. For example, the leader of a Pan-African bank started her management offsite saying that as a white South African she was committed to training black managers to become company leaders as a means of making amends for the shame she felt post-apartheid. Group participants followed her lead. One man related that he was the first in his family to graduate from college, and all eyes were on him to do well in this job. Another manager shared that his mom, who grew up shunned by the system, saved money by sewing it into the hem of her skirt. He wanted her to be unafraid of opening a bank account. The gathering was ostensibly to refine sales strategies for the next generation of banking needs, but what resulted was a shared sense of purpose fueled by personal determination and fear of failing.
My daughter gave me a motivational calendar. One of the entries says: “You’re unique, just like everyone else.” We are all so different. We individualize our coffee orders; gluten-free, dairy-free meals; tattoos; and religious customs. Yet peel back a layer, and we are astoundingly alike. Stopping to consider if I feel it, do they feel it is a great way to recognize our shared humanity, to clear obstacles, get the job done, and overcome that lonely feeling at work (and beyond).
THIS IS FOR YOU IF
• The conversation in your head about and with colleagues is taking more time than any real discussion you may have had with a coworker.
• You have no clue what he or she must be thinking, and you are close to no longer caring.
• The tension is thick, and you’re ready to try a new tactic.
• There have been so many changes in your group and nobody has taken a breath or stopped to ask, “How are you doing?”
TAKE ACTION
Do an emotional body scan. What’s giving you the zip in your step? Why is this project such a drag? Why are you suddenly dreading going into the office? See if you can articulate the experience and share it with the colleague in the cubicle next to you. Feeling “off” before a big event? Don’t be afraid to open the meeting expressing your internal turmoil. Ask the assembled if anyone else has similar sensations. Demonstrating your “personhood” makes even the most intimidating manager that much more approachable. The more you seem like “one of us,” the less frightening it is for employees to share less than perfect updates—which is how you get the information you need!
Before you build your case against a colleague, consider your impact on them. Slow down long enough to recognize how you and your current antagonist may be experiencing the same thing. Take a deep breath and ask if your “opponent” feels what you feel.
During performance reviews and project kickoffs, ask your colleagues what feelings you evoke in them (and why)—especially when you are at your best. Use this precious data to further your development.
Begin meetings with a check-in. Asking how participants are feeling in a workshop or strategy session may seem counter to many corporate cultures and yet it truly warms the room. If you are leading the meeting, it’s a chance to model the importance of emotional centering. Share a story, or simply reference what’s in your heart or gut (before launching into what’s on your mind). Bringing together diverse perspectives is often the goal, but starting from a place of difference often stalls discussions. Go under the skin to leave roles and rank behind.
Ask, “How is what I experience of this person true about me?” This process of identification removes judgment, builds empathy, and is a great way of forming authentic bonds—especially when working with people of different backgrounds. The next time you want to accelerate relationships among new collaborators, invite team members to speak in pairs. Take turns. Instruct one person to share a story about a career-defining moment. Have the listener comment on the personal qualities the narrative revealed. Compliment your conversational partner by noting why these characteristics were admirable. Then have the listener reflect on how they, too, may share these same qualities. Reverse roles. Try it. It’s powerful.
KEEP IN MIND
• As tempting as it might be, don’t always assume your reactions are the same as someone else’s. You have to test your hypothesis!
• Have an inclusive set of eyes. When evaluating who around you may be sharing the same emotions, be sure to consider people at all levels of the enterprise.
• While the goal is to be more transparent with your feelings, this does not mean you disable all censors. Don’t release emotional weapons.
• Read your audience. Don’t force someone to have an impassioned discussion when they are racing out the door. Set a date that’s mutually convenient.