RULE 45

Don’t dump responsibility on your partner

Sometimes in life we mess up. And sometimes when that happens, what we really, really want is a scapegoat. And who better than our partner? After all, they’re right there. They’re the obvious person to blame. All you have to do is round on them and say, ‘Why on earth didn’t you pack the camera?’ There. That feels better. Just dump all the responsibility on them.

Hello . . .? Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t stop you being an independent person capable of packing a camera – or at least checking before you leave home that someone else has packed it. If you were still single, you’d have packed the thing, or kicked yourself for forgetting. Well, just because you have a partner it doesn’t mean you don’t have to take responsibility for yourself any more. You want to take a camera on holiday? Then you make sure it gets packed.

I’ve noticed that when couples have children, their scapegoating tendencies really flourish. Children give you so many opportunities to mess up, and as you share them with your partner, that means lots of opportunity to dump the responsibility on them. More than once I’ve heard parents say, ‘I told you to bring extra nappies!’ which always intrigues me. Why is one parent giving the other one orders? In fact, in that instance, they’re assuming the responsibility for themselves, and then dumping the blame on the other one when it doesn’t happen.

Some scapegoating can be more serious: ‘No wonder we’ve got serious money problems. I should never have let you talk me into going abroad last summer. You knew we couldn’t afford it.’ No, well, in that case you’re right – you shouldn’t have let them talk you into it. You do have a mind of your own, and if you chose not to use it, that’s your fault.

This responsibility thing is intriguing. I’ve noticed that in all relationships there are certain things that are assumed to be the responsibility of one person without any discussion. If you’re happy to be the navigator, or the one who looks after the money, or the holiday planner, that’s fine. But what if you don’t like your job? Then you need to say, ‘Excuse me, I don’t want this role’. And you have to allow your partner to say it too.

I do realize that your partner will make mistakes from time to time (as you will) that really are their responsibility. If your partner went out and bought an expensive car without telling you and promptly crashed it, I can see that they need to accept responsibility for it. Or even if they said, ‘Don’t worry about packing the camera – I’m on the case’.^*

But you know perfectly well what I’m talking about – all those times when you’re only blaming them to deflect the criticism from yourself. And you only feel the need to do that because deep down you know that you are as responsible as they are. So come on, be big enough to share the blame, preferably with a sense of humour, and accept that you both messed up.