RULE 68

You don’t both have to have the same rules

We’re all different, and if your partner was a clone of you it would be very strange, not to say mildly worrying. And if they’re different from you, they’re obviously going to need different rules. That’s rules with a small ‘r’. Of course it’s different for the Rules in this book, along with others that are so universally accepted I haven’t included them (don’t hurt each other, don’t murder each other’s family members, don’t keep alligators in the marital bed). But the day-to-day rules or principles you both operate by don’t have to be the same for both of you.

That’s fair. After all, what’s unfair is making one partner work to a rule that doesn’t suit them and isn’t needed, just because it works for the other one. Suppose one of you hates heights. It would seem obvious that they shouldn’t be the one to go up on the roof and fix the tiles, or to carry things up and down a rickety ladder to the attic. I hope that goes without saying.

Now suppose you’re both fine with heights, but one of you worries if the other one isn’t home when they said they would be. Has something terrible happened? Has there been a dreadful car accident? Has a bomb gone off? This attitude is not unreasonable, so there should be a rule that the other one calls if there’s a delay, so their partner doesn’t need to worry.

The problems arise if they don’t accept this Rule and the partner says, ‘I don’t see why I should have to call you. I don’t ask you to call me’. No, no, no – wrong attitude. The object here is to make your partner feel loved and cared for and to put them first. If they need a phone call to make them feel happy, what’s your problem?

This applies to other things too. Maybe one of you likes their tea made in a specific cup while the other will drink it out of anything. Maybe one of you is messy and the other tidy (you can each have your own areas to be yourself in). Perhaps one of you hates socializing alone while the other is comfortable with it. Perhaps one is dreadful in the mornings and never gets up to make tea or coffee for the other, while their partner makes them a cuppa every morning.

If you adopt this Rule, not only will you both feel loved and cared about, but you’ll also find that although some rules may seem unfair (the same partner gets up every morning, for example), the whole thing pretty much balances out (maybe the other partner tidies up last thing at night). If it doesn’t balance out every day, it will balance out over time. And anyway, it’s not about what’s fair, it’s about making sure your partner has what they need to be happy.