RULE 60

Don’t be offended if they want some space

We’re all sociable creatures to some degree, but not all to the same degree. Some of us just like to spend time together, while others like to live in their partner’s pocket. The odds are slim that you and your partner will have exactly the same instincts on this one.

There will be times when your partner wants to disappear and go shopping, or play with their model railway, or dig in the garden, or read a book, or organize their stamp collection, or go surfing. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with you. It simply means that they want to be alone. Some people need that space and if you deny them it, they’ll start to feel trapped.

Maybe your partner needs space routinely, or maybe they only want to be alone when things are going badly, or when they’re worried, or busy, or tired. And that may not have anything to do with you either. It’s just not about you at all. It’s about them, and the way they tick.

I know one chap who spends three or four hours every evening playing computer games. You might have thought his partner would hate this, but in fact she says it gives her time to get on with her own projects, or just to have a bit of time alone. It wouldn’t suit me but that’s fine, because I don’t have to live with either of them. It suits them very well. I know plenty of people who confess to being over the moon when their beloved slopes guiltily off to play golf or tennis or go fishing or whatever. It’s their special time too.

Your partner might even like to do some of these things with other people. Don’t panic. There can be a very good reason for this. If they collect model trains, or are a keen gardener, and you don’t share their interest, being followed around by someone asking tedious questions (‘What does 00 gauge mean?’, ‘Why are you cutting bits off that plant?’) isn’t always their idea of fun. I hope there’ll be times when you’ll get involved and they’ll enjoy telling you all about it. But when they need a therapeutic immersion in their trains or plants or whatever it is, they’ll want to do it with people who know what they’re talking about. Again, it’s not about you. It’s about losing themselves in an activity.

If your partner seems to need to spend several hours a day alone and this really doesn’t suit you at all, you’re going to have to talk it through. But for most of us it’s not a big problem to amuse ourselves while our partner is doing their own thing. When there’s a problem, it’s to do with worrying that our partner doesn’t want to be with us. So the key thing to grasp is that it’s nothing to do with you – they’d be the same way with anyone else.