RULE 31

You want to do what?

You’ve already agreed to give your partner the space to be themselves (see Rule 23).^* That’s because you thought they wanted an evening with their best mate, or to branch off into a different aspect of stamp collecting, or to fiddle about with their camera.

Now you discover that their best mate is the opposite sex, or their stamp collecting foray means going away to a convention for a week, or they want to sell the camera and buy a much more expensive one. Or maybe they want to give up their steady job and enrol on a course for two years while you support the family, or take a job that will mean spending a week every month away from home.

Now hang on. That’s not what you signed up for when you got yourself into this relationship, is it? Well, yes, I’m afraid it is. Maybe you missed the small print. If you love someone, it’s your job to help them fulfil their dreams, ambitions and plans. Even when those plans require extra effort or hardship on your part.

That’s not to say you have to support them if they want to sleep with someone else, or to commit some heinous crime. But all the examples above are perfectly reasonable wants and ambitions – they just weren’t on your own personal wish list.

However, you can’t encourage your partner to fulfil their dreams and be who they want to be unless you support them by being tolerant, enthusiastic, long-suffering if necessary – and resist any temptation to be untrusting, jealous or resentful. I know it can sometimes be difficult, very difficult, but remember that the ultimate reward is a stronger relationship, and that’s got to be worth it.

After all, what’s the alternative? If you refuse to co-operate, you will be building resentment and dependency, and stifling their dreams. What kind of a partner would that make you? What sort of a way is that to show your love?

And what if you don’t like what they want to do? Well, having established that this Rule doesn’t cover infidelity and criminal activity, you need to look at why you’re resisting. You’re perfectly entitled to express your reservations, and talk them through. It’s not unreasonable to be concerned, for example, that if they give up work in order to go back to college, you’ll struggle to survive financially. But approach it from the perspective that you want to give them your support and need to talk through exactly how it can be made to work in light of your concerns, rather than putting your foot down and giving a point blank refusal. At the bottom of it must be your desire to see your partner achieve what they feel is important to them.