RULE 29

Accept the differences, embrace what you have in common

You think the main priority is to get the house straight and the food done – after all, you’ve got friends coming for lunch in just over an hour. Your other half, however, is messing about in their study tweaking their report for Monday’s meeting, and while they’re there they could just pay this bill, and tidy up that bit of paperwork . . . aaargh!

No, of course you can’t understand why they’re in the study now. Any more than they can understand why you are getting so het up about a bit of tidying and cooking. And that’s because you’re different. Different perspectives, different priorities, different personalities, different ideas.

If you’re going to have a successful relationship that makes you both happy and that stands the test of time, you need to get over the fact that you’re different. Better still, you need not only to accept it but to see the benefit of it. He’s good on the phone, you’re good at writing. One of you is great at organizing, the other good at reminding everybody that relaxation is important too. One is brilliant at running children ragged in the woods, the other is a dab hand at crafts and stories. Partnerships are teams of two, and the best teams contain people with different strengths. As individuals you are great – together you can do so much more.

Not to mention how dull it would be if you were both similar in every respect. You don’t want a clone of yourself after all – do you?

You just have to hang on to the advantages of being different during the times your partner is driving you nuts, when they are doing something you don’t understand or not doing things the way you think they should be done.

But neither should you dwell on the differences. If there’s any dwelling to be done, it should be on the things you have in common. The shared passions and interests. The delight you both take in walking in the rain, in playing Scrabble or watching nature documentaries or going to the pub to see your friends or whatever it is.

Yes, it really helps if you can share certain things – views of raising children, and some hobbies and interests, for example – and those things you should cherish, but differences are healthy. Even if they do drive you up the wall sometimes.