RULE 24

Look to your own faults

Is your partner perfect, then? Mine isn’t.^* I bet yours has got lots of flaws. Do they snore? Are they really messy – or neurotically tidy? Do they talk too much? Got a bit of a short fuse? Are they a hopeless cook? Or is it really hard to get them off their backside to go anywhere? Do they always interrupt when you’re talking, or spend too much time at work?

That’s partners for you. They always have their share of faults. You just have to live with it I guess. I know, I know. You’ve tried talking to them about it, explained how difficult it is to live with, asked them to do something about it. Maybe they’ve tried, but they’re obviously not trying hard enough. Or maybe they did for a while and now they’ve slipped back into their old ways. It’s always the same old story, whoever you ask. There’s never any shortage of characteristics to moan about.

But wait a minute. If that’s true of all partners, that means it’s true of you and me too. Yes, that’s right, you and I are just as guilty as our partners are. All those things they tell us irritate them. And do we do anything about it? Of course we don’t because they’re being unreasonable, asking us to change our personalities. If they don’t like us the way we are, tough. They knew what we were like when they got themselves into this.

OK, but that has to work both ways. Either we have to accept them the way they are, or we have to do something about all our own faults, even if we don’t personally consider them faults. Or better still, both. We need to set an example by being tolerant of their little quirks and foibles, and by addressing our own.

It’s not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with us. Maybe it’s perfectly OK to be messy, justified to be grumpy, understandable to be too preoccupied to listen at times. Except it’s not OK if it winds our partner up. We want them to be happy, so we need to do our best to tone down those traits that irritate them. Of course we can’t change our personalities, and if they love us that’s not what they’re asking. But hey, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to hang up the odd towel instead of dropping it on the floor. Or to make a bit more effort to listen if they’re clearly upset. Or to get out and do the shopping a bit more often. Or to bite our tongue occasionally.

Our partners certainly aren’t perfect – and nor are we. There’s no need to put ourselves in their shoes because we’re already in them. Maybe a bit more tolerance and a bit less throwing the first stone is what’s needed here.