RULE 8

Identify your own mistakes

So where did you go wrong? Well, wrong is a harsh word and we’ve just established that it’s probably no one’s fault you weren’t right for each other. But still, there will be things you could have done differently. Even if they wouldn’t have made the relationship work, they could have saved you having to try it, or eased the parting.

Sometimes there are lessons to learn about who we choose as partners in the first place. It can take us a while to recognize that we tend to be attracted to a particular type and, if that type isn’t actually good for us, it can take even longer to learn to resist falling for them. I have one friend who is such a sucker for alcoholics that she’s had to learn that when she’s single and sees an attractive stranger across a room, it’s almost a certainty he’s an alcoholic. Now of course some ex-alcoholics who have been on the wagon for years can make excellent partners, but she tends to fall for the ones who are at a real low point.

Maybe your type isn’t so obvious. But perhaps you chose a partner who was driven by money and spent every waking hour working – it’s useful to realize if this isn’t what matters to you. Or perhaps you’ve discovered you’re not compatible with someone who hates kids, or doesn’t share any of your cultural tastes, or likes to live by rigid routines, or is hopeless with money, or only eats pasta – recognize what didn’t work and it will be easier to avoid it, or work round it, next time.

Alright, alright, so in your case everything should have been fine. You were perfectly compatible on paper and you made a good choice back at the start. In that case, why didn’t it turn out right? There will have been lapses on both sides, and you need to be honest about your own in order to accept that it’s over. And in order to make sure your next relationship has a better chance.

The best advice I can give you here is to read through The Rules of Love and see which ones you perhaps let slip. Come on now, nobody gets them all right, all the time – I certainly don’t – so there’s no shame in admitting that a few of them come less naturally to you than they could. Could you have been more affectionate? Less picky? More considerate? Less controlling? Could you have helped your partner feel more supported? Encouraged them to spend time doing the things they enjoyed? Listened to them more? Nagged less? Contributed to the shopping, cooking, cleaning more readily? Made love more often, or more enthusiastically? Allowed them to be themselves more willingly?

The answer has to be yes to some of these questions – or to others in the same vein. No one can say no to them all, because none of us is perfect. Be honest about the bits of relationships that you find hardest, and you’ll accept the past more readily, and find a better future.