RULE 57

Most everyday arguments are about something else

Once you’re settled into a relationship, it can be surprising how many petty little arguments you find yourselves having. In some cases you have the same arguments again and again. What’s the point of that? Well, I’ll tell you – very often the point is that you may think you resolved things last time, but actually you’re not having the argument you think you are. You’re having a completely different argument but neither of you has realized it.

If this Rule reminds you somewhat of the last one, that’s because it’s an extension of it. In order to work out what the real argument is about, you have to apply Rule 56 and listen to what isn’t being said.

Let me give you an example and I think you’ll get the idea. Lots of couples argue about whose turn it is to do the washing up. They get hung up on who did it last Friday, and who did it at the weekend when there were extra people so there was more of it, and who had to do it even when they were late home from work on Tuesday. Honestly, it’s only washing up. Does it really matter who does it? Don’t you love your partner enough not to fuss over the last detail of who’s washed up more forks this week?

Aha, but that’s not the real issue, is it? The real problem here is that one of you feels taken for granted, and thinks their good nature is being exploited. And that’s not what they expect – quite rightly – from someone who loves them. So that’s what you need to discuss if you’re going to get to the bottom of this. You can discuss it in code, using words like ‘kitchen sink’ to signify the balance of effort in the relationship, or you can come clean^* and talk about the real problem. It doesn’t really matter which you do, so long as you both know what’s at the heart of it.

If you find yourselves repeating the same argument over and over again, the odds are you have one of these phantom topics to deal with, and the arguments won’t stop until you’ve identified the real problem. Suppose you argue about one of you spending money on something the other one considers unnecessary. Either they’re worried about there not being enough money for essentials, or they’re jealous that their partner has more spending money than they do, or they feel it could have been spent on something they would have benefited from too. You’ll have to work out which is the case, but don’t be fooled into thinking that it’s just about wasting money. Especially not if it crops up frequently.