RULE 9

You can’t change people

Suppose you’re naturally tidy. I mean really neurotically tidy. Can’t stand to leave the washing up for later and always put away everything immediately after use. And imagine you ended up with a partner who liked to spread their possessions about and actually only felt comfortable with clutter. Would you become a messy person to keep them happy? Then why would you expect them to become tidy?

If you’re not actually tidy you might be wondering what the problem would be, but if you’re one of nature’s tidy people you’ll probably be thinking that would be a struggle, and an unreasonable request. And you’d be right.

The fact is that you can’t ask people to change, and even if they wanted to they couldn’t do it. Sure, they can modify their behaviour, but they can’t change their personality. You might persuade your messy partner to hang up the bathroom towel instead of leaving it on the floor, but I bet they’ll hang it up all crooked and it will still drive you mad. That’s because you can’t turn them into a tidy person – only a messy one who hangs up the towel. Meantime the kitchen will be a tip, and the floor of the car will be disgusting (in your view, but not theirs).

And it’s not just a question of being messy or tidy. You can’t stop someone being irresponsible, or football-obsessed, or a workaholic, or shy, or easily stressed.

So if you can’t live with these characteristics, don’t get involved. Whatever you do, don’t embark on a relationship with someone thinking, ‘I can’t cope with this bit of their personality, but that’s OK – I’ll change it’. You won’t, you know. You’ll just make both of you miserable.

I know no one is exactly perfect – everyone can be irritating from time to time in a relationship (including you) – but you’re looking for someone whose irritating habits are worth putting up with, not for someone who you can mould to your personal requirements.

And be warned that this also applies to the big stuff that could make you very unhappy. If you meet someone who is perfect apart from being emotionally withdrawn, or physically abusive, or serially unfaithful, you won’t change that either. Please don’t kid yourself. They might keep the behaviour in check for the first few months or years, but sooner or later, when the euphoria wears off and the stress of normal life returns, they will go back to their old ways. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.