RULE 75

Your children come before you

There’s a disturbing trend I’ve noticed over recent years of parents putting their own wellbeing before their children’s. I’m talking here about children who are still under 18 and living at home. This trend is coupled with a horrid expression: ‘me time’. Don’t ever let me catch you using this phrase.

The fact is that when you decide to have children (whether it’s a conscious choice or an accidental one), part of the commitment is to put your children before yourself. You’ve only got to stick it until the youngest is 18, but until then your hobbies, career, free time and all the rest take second place.

Here’s a case in point, and one of my particular bugbears. Children really look forward to spending time on holiday with their parents. What with school, work and all the rest of it, it’s often the best time for getting their parents’ undivided attention. And what do some parents do? They stay in hotels that will look after the kids for them all week so they can do their own thing. Now one morning is fine, if the kids are happy with it, but not a large proportion of the whole holiday. I know being a parent is exhausting, but that’s the nature of the job. That’s what you take on when you become a parent.

I’m not saying you can’t ever go out for the evening, of course you can. And I’m not saying you should be a skivvy for your kids. That wouldn’t be good for them or you. They need to learn consideration. But they also need to know that they are the top priority in your life. So while you may want or need to work, which is fine, at least one parent needs a job that broadly fits round the kids, rather than jetting off on some fabulous career that takes you away from them for long periods.

If you put yourself before the children, not only are you not giving them the love they deserve, you’re telling them that all through life, looking after number one is more important than anything else. And believe me, that’s a philosophy that won’t make them happy.

Do you know what? The parents I know who really get this Rule right don’t even want so-called ‘me time’. Because the time that is most precious to them is the time they spend around their kids. Putting themselves first, taking time out to ‘find themselves’, wouldn’t make them happy. If it was at the expense of the children, it would make them unhappy. And you know what else? The fact that their children displace most of their free time, the fact that they put their children before themselves, is what makes them among the happiest parents I meet.