RULE 18

Create the power balance you both want

A good relationship is an equal one. Of course you each have strengths, and there are moments when one of you takes care of the other, and other moments when those roles are reversed.

In some relationships, however, the balance of power isn’t equal, for some reason. Sometimes one partner is very controlling, but often it’s more subtle than that. Maybe one of you likes to be looked after and the other happily assumes the protective role. Or one of you is usually irresponsible and the other acts as a kind of substitute parent.

The thing about all these imbalances is that they are almost always set up very early on in the relationship, so this is the time to be on your guard. It’s well-nigh impossible to change things later. I wouldn’t say it can never be done, but there’s a high chance that any imbalance now that leads to problems later is unlikely to be resolved. Some ingrained behaviours can be sorted out later if you both want it enough, but the balance of power is a hard thing to change – not least because the person holding the power won’t want to relinquish it.

I don’t want to scare you. Lots of relationships don’t have power issues at all. But in those that do, these issues generally start early, and in ways that don’t seem to matter until it’s too late. I know a woman who ended up in a toxic relationship with a partner who was controlling to the point of being abusive. At the start of the relationship she was so bowled over with him that she let herself ignore the warning signs. And there certainly were warning signs – he always wanted to know where she was going and who she was with, or who she was on the phone to. She told herself it was because he cared, and wasn’t that lovely? It took her ten years to get out of the relationship and she was emotionally bruised and battered for years afterwards.

I’m not suggesting you leave every new partner who enquires what you’ve been up to since they last saw you. But don’t let love blind you to those little niggles at the back of your mind.

I have another friend who met her partner when she was at a very low ebb. He took her under his wing and looked after her . . . and that became the pattern. After a few years he’d looked after her so well that she could stand on her own two feet. Except that he wouldn’t let her because the habit of looking after her and telling her what was good for her had become so established. What had been reassuring for her became stifling and eventually she left him.

The positive here is that if you listen to the warning voices in your head, you can avoid setting up an unhealthy power balance in the first place. If your new partner is inherently controlling you may drive them away, but that’s a good thing. If, however, they’re worth having, they’ll understand and join you in making sure you have a healthy equal relationship.