RULE 88

What will be left of you?

Right. I don’t want to get all morbid and depressing on you, but I do want you to think – cheerfully – about the legacy you leave your family when you die. No, not the cash (or debt) legacy. The memories and the feelings that they will have because of you.

I hope this is a very long way off. But now is the time to think about how you’ll be remembered. Because when you die, the love that you feel for your family and your friends doesn’t die. I’m not talking about spiritual belief here – what I’m saying is that, however you choose to describe it, the people you love can still carry that feeling of being loved around with them, even though the love originated with someone who isn’t there any more.

We all know people who carry around the need to live up to the expectations of someone who is no longer alive, or carry around a feeling that they’re inferior, or that they’re stupid, or that they have no value. What a terrible legacy to leave your family, but it happens.

As a Rules Player – not to mention someone who loves their family – you need to make sure that doesn’t happen to the people you care about. You want your children and the rest of your family to go through their lives with a deep down security that they are loved and worth loving. And, especially in the case of your own children, that’s down to you.

So how do you achieve it? By making sure that while you’re alive, they get the message loud and clear. Because once you go, there’ll be no chance to change it. And the message has to be unequivocal. It’s no good spending most of your time criticizing or questioning or doubting your children, and just telling them once in a while that you love them. That’s a very mixed message at best.

No, if you want them to know they’re loved, don’t just say it but show it in your actions, your attitudes and in everything you don’t say. Yes, you can let them know if you disagree with them, or worry that they’re making a mistake, but make sure (don’t ever assume it) that they know you’re always on their side, that they have your support, and that you respect and trust the decisions they make for themselves.

That way, whether you fall under a bus tomorrow or live to be 100, you can be confident that the people you love will still hold your love close and gain comfort from it even when you’re no longer able to comfort them yourself.