RULE 35

Houston, we have a problem

How often do you hear one partner expressing a problem and the other one saying, ‘It’s nothing to do with me’? I’ve known people tell their partner, in all seriousness, ‘Your jealousy/anger/stress is your problem’. I’ve known people go to their partner and say, ‘I’m not happy about the hours you’re working/the place we’re living/the diet we’re eating/the way you pick your toenails in bed’, only to be told, ‘Well, I don’t have a problem with it’.

Oh yes they do. By definition, if your partner isn’t happy, you’ve got a problem. It’s a shared problem and it requires two of you to address it and resolve it jointly. That’s why we use the word ‘partner’,^* because you’re both in this together.

This is an attitude that really upsets me actually. I find it terribly sad that someone can be told outright by their partner that they’re not happy, and not care. Not want to do whatever they can to put it right. That their partner means so little to them they just aren’t bothered.

The very fact that your partner isn’t happy is a problem in itself. Period. It doesn’t matter what the cause is, whether you agree, whether you disagree, whether you think your partner is being silly or unreasonable or pathetic or stupid or petty. The fact that they’re not happy is a problem, and it’s your problem.

So please don’t fall into this trap yourself. After all, you’re a Rules Player and you know better. If your partner comes and tells you that something is wrong, take it seriously. I’m not saying that you must instantly give up your job, move house, have more kids, get rid of the kids you’ve got or whatever it is that’s causing them grief. You just need to recognize that there’s a joint problem and you need to arrive at a joint solution in the usual way.

What’s the usual way? Oh, you know that. You talk. You discuss it, you work out why it’s a problem and what can be done to resolve it so that you both feel able to live with it and it doesn’t leave either one of you with a new problem. Sorry – I should have said ‘doesn’t leave both of you with a new problem’. Because, of course, that’s the only kind of problem there is in a strong relationship – a shared one.