RULE 83

Your children need to fall out with you to leave home

Your kids have it pretty cushy. Food provided, bills paid, a comfortable bed. OK, maybe you expect them to contribute, but it’s nothing compared with the time or money they’d have to find if they left home.

So why would they go? On paper, there’s no reason for them ever to get out into the big wide world, apart from the desire to get up to things without you knowing, for freedom and privacy (probably best for you not to think about this too much – but it’s OK, trust me). But it’s something they have to do, for their own sanity and, goodness knows, for yours. That’s why they’ve evolved a foolproof system for taking that big scary step away from home comforts and security and into debt and responsibility. It’s called rebelling. Of course they may get this process over with years before they actually leave, but at some point they need to bring about a sea change in your relationship before they can actually go.

Yep, they have to find an excuse to reject everything you stand for in order to give themselves the impetus they need to get off their backsides and get on with their lives. They need to argue with you until they reach the point where that big scary world looks more appealing than staying here with you.

If you’re forgiving and understanding, this can be pretty tough for them. They got their ears pierced and you didn’t bat an eyelid. So they tried getting their tongue pierced, but you just told them it was their choice. Hmmm. What next? Answering back every time you ask them to tidy up after themselves? Smoking? Swearing? There must be something they can do to rile you.

You might as well give in and let them have a decent argument with you. They won’t give up until they get it, you know. They’ll eat all your food, play their music at full volume, dye their hair green. Like I say, they’re programmed. And in the end, you’ll break.

But what’s the alternative? I’ll tell you. Kids who don’t go through the rebellious phase never really manage to let go of the apron strings. That makes life much harder for them, and trickier for you too in the long run. Sometimes they find a good partner and slowly shift their emphasis away from you. And sometimes they don’t. But the whole process takes much longer, and they find independence much harder than they otherwise would.

Of course, you can’t make them rebel. But you can make it easier for them to do it by putting up the odd barrier for them to kick against. They may swear abusively at you, or they may remain entirely polite but never tell you what they’re up to, or indulge in habits you don’t approve of. There are lots of ways of rebelling, and your child will find their own unique one, and when they do, you should celebrate and give them all the help they want.