RULE 58

Respect privacy

So your partner is keeping things from you? Well, that’s their prerogative. Are you quite sure you’ve told them absolutely everything? Is there nothing you wouldn’t rather keep to yourself? Of course there is. We all have things we’re embarrassed or ashamed or uncomfortable or inhibited or just plain private about. And your partner is no different.

Is it that you don’t trust them? Aha – in that case you have a problem. But the problem is nothing to do with what they’re not telling you. The problem is one of trust, or lack of it. Best go and read Rules 13 and 47.

Oh, you do trust them? Good. Then what’s your problem? Listen, your partner has every right to privacy. As do you. Just because they love you and want to share their life with you, it doesn’t mean they have to abandon every last shred of personal identity, or give up the right ever to keep something to themselves. Whether they prefer to spend some time alone, or don’t want you in the bathroom with them, or want to keep a friend’s confidence, or like to mull things over before discussing them with you, that’s their right. In fact, they don’t actually have to give you a reason at all to be private.

And you don’t have the right to give them a hard time about it. No wheedling, no threats, no pressure, no prying, no emotional blackmail. Just get off their back and give them some privacy.

I know this couple who started to fall out seriously because he didn’t like the fact that she was meeting friends without him, and making phone calls when he was out of earshot. He started getting quite shirty, and she was getting more and more defensive, and it caused quite a rift between them. Things were just starting to get nasty when his birthday came along – complete with a huge surprise party. Yep, that’s what she’d been up to. She’d put in hours of preparation and I can tell you by the time it came around she was so fed up with all the grief he’d given her, she wished she hadn’t done it.

I’m not saying your partner is planning a surprise party for you, although let’s hope so. I’m just saying there are all sorts of reasons why your partner might want to be private, and they don’t have to be a threat to your relationship. In fact, as with this couple, if it weren’t for his response, it would have actively strengthened their relationship. The only reason why you should worry is if you don’t trust your partner, in which case . . . oops, we’re back where we started.