RULE 46

Let them know if you don’t like their friends

It would be great if we could like all our partner’s friends as much as they do. And a lot of us are lucky and get on well with most of them. But there are generally at least a couple – and sometimes more – that we just don’t enjoy being around. Maybe they’re just crass, or boring, or airheads (at least in your opinion) – or perhaps you think they’re a bad influence on your partner.

The question is, what are you gonna do about it? And the answer is that there’s not a lot you can do. It’s OK to let your partner know that you don’t particularly want to spend time with certain of their friends. I didn’t say it was OK to give them a hard time about it mind you, just to let them know. You can say, ‘I’m not a big fan of so-and-so. If you’re going out with them I’d rather do something else myself that evening’.

In the long run, you’re not going to be able to hide your feelings easily, and it’s better that your partner knows the score. Don’t criticize the friend or bitch about them because your partner is bound to get defensive – you’re criticizing their choice of friend after all. Just keep it polite but excuse yourself from that friend’s company whenever possible.

What you can’t do is berate your partner, or expect them to change their friends to suit you. They are entitled to whatever friends they like, just as you are, and it’s outside your remit to start telling them who they can and can’t hang out with. Think how you’d feel if they did the same thing to you.

Sometimes jealousy is the issue. If your partner spends far more time with their friends than with you, that might understandably rile you. But they do have to be allowed to spend some time with their mates. If you try to stop them ever socializing without you, you’ll create resentment because this simply isn’t reasonable. You need to find a fair balance, and make sure it cuts both ways.

I have to tell you that I can’t think offhand of any successful relationship where one or both partners really disliked most of each other’s friends. The company we keep says a lot about us, and if your partner chooses to spend most of their time with people you don’t like, perhaps you should consider why they want to be with such friends. I’ve known lots of people who found quite a few of their partner’s friends a bit boring, or mildly irritating – that’s normal. But if you really dislike them you need to bear in mind that your own partner is one of that group. If you don’t think they’re very nice people, what’s your partner doing choosing to be friends with them?