RULE 16

Don’t tar new partners with old brushes

Most of us have a past of some kind. Even very early on, the most innocent of teenage romances leaves us with some kind of history. And it’s very easy to let that get in the way of the next romance.

We’re programmed to assume that the future will work pretty much the same as the past, unless there’s a good reason to think otherwise. If your hair has always looked smarter brushed in the past, it’s wise to brush it again today if you want to look good. If you liked bananas the last time you ate one, you’ll probably like them the next time. If you’ve always been good with numbers, this job which calls for good numberwork shouldn’t be too much of a challenge. If your last partner cheated on you, your next partner will.

Whoah! Hold it! Rewind, rewind . . . scrap that last example. Yes, lots of things in life follow the same basic principle every time, but that doesn’t apply to partners. All those other examples were things about you, and you’re still the same person. But each partner is new. It may well be the case that if your last partner cheated on you, they’ll probably cheat on their next partner too (but that’s not your problem any more). However, this new partner comes with a clean sheet, and there’s nothing to say they resemble your last partner at all. In fact, if you really thought they did, what are you doing with them in the first place?

Of course, cheating is just one fairly extreme example. I’ve known people who make all sorts of assumptions based purely on what their last partner did. I know one woman who assumed her partner was sulking with her if he didn’t make her a cup of tea when he came home, just because her last partner would have been sulking. Actually, this partner was planning to get changed, have a wash and then put the kettle on. I know someone else who got upset if his wife had her back to him when he got into bed on the grounds it must mean ‘don’t touch’. In fact, she was just more comfortable on her left side.

As with so many Rules, you need to reverse the situation and think how you’d feel if your partner judged you by the standards of some ex you’ve probably never even met. If some innocent gesture or remark caused a row simply because it would have meant something else in another relationship that you weren’t even part of. Yep, pretty damn frustrating.

So whether it’s big stuff or little signals – whether it’s money or sex or moodiness or work or secrets or lies or romance or anything else – you could create all sorts of problems that just aren’t there if you start tarring this partner with the same brush as the last one.