RULE 92

If you’re going to be a friend, be a good friend

This is really unfair. We’ve already established that there are no Rules for your friends – you take them as they come. But there are Rules for you. Oh yes. I expect you to be the best friend you can to the people you choose to give your friendship to.

That can be hard work, I’ll warn you now. It means finding time for your friends when they need you even though you’re busy, exhausted, otherwise committed. It means juggling your life to fit your friends in unexpectedly when they hit trouble. Of course there’ll be long periods when they don’t need you, and you don’t need them. Times when you’ll both understand that work and life and kids and whatever else can get in the way, and you hardly see each other. It won’t matter because when you finally get the time for each other, you’ll just pick up where you left off. That’s what good friendships are about.

But every so often your friend will call out of the blue, or turn up on your doorstep, and they’ll need you. Really need you. Something has gone wrong and they’re desperate for a shoulder to cry on, someone to help, someone to listen. And you’ll be there. Even if it means staying up half the night when you’re already tired, or getting someone to mind the kids for a couple of hours, or taking a day’s holiday – or more – from work.

There are lots of qualities a good friend needs of course – you need to be a good listener, to be positive and supportive, to be loyal, thoughtful, kind, sympathetic, dependable. But you can’t be any of those things unless you’re there. That’s why the most important thing of all is to show your support by making the time for your friend, however hard.

They may not need you to give them hours of time, of course. Maybe they just need a few minutes, or a favour. Maybe they need you to call for five minutes every couple of days to touch base with them. Perhaps they need you to keep on asking how they are, after everyone else has forgotten their troubles. Maybe they need a card or an email to tell them you’re thinking of them. On the other hand, maybe they do need your time.

This is one of the things that sets Rules Players apart. We learn from what our greatest friends do for us, and we do the same for others. We make sure we give our friends all the time and support they need when times are tough, even if it comes at some hardship to ourselves. Because if you can’t be there when your friends need you, what’s the point of being their friend?