RULE 42

If little things annoy you, say so – with humour

Go on then, what annoys you about your partner? There’s got to be loads of things. Come on, what can you think of, off the top of your head? Let’s see – do they always sing along to your favourite music out of tune? Do they change channels on the TV without asking you first? Take phone messages for you and then forget to pass them on? Put the greasy butter knife straight down on the table? Interrupt you when you’re in mid-sentence? Snore? Throw away the toothpaste before it’s really empty? I bet there are loads of little things that wind you up.

I’ve never met anyone who didn’t wind their partner up in some kind of little way or other. It’s unavoidable. Of course we need to be tolerant (see Rule 24), and we can’t ask them to change their personality but I mean, honestly, do they have to bang the front door so loudly? Or let the dog into the kitchen when it’s still wet from its walk?

It’s amazing how such little things can really get to you. And if you’re finding it impossible to be tolerant, it’s much better to let your partner know how you feel than to get increasingly frustrated and irritated. After all, if you don’t tell them, how would they know? It’s probably never dawned on them that they’re being annoying.

There is one important rule though – always use humour to let your partner know what bugs you. My wife and I have developed a system whereby every time she says, ‘By the way, for future reference . . .’ I know I’m about to get into trouble for something I didn’t know I was doing. But because she always uses the same phrase it’s become a standing joke, so she always says it with a smile, and I always reply, ‘Whatever it was, I’m sorry. So what have I done now?’^*

I have a friend who once got her point across, and made her partner laugh, by saying wryly to him, ‘You know, for a bloke, you’re surprisingly good at multi-tasking. You’re managing to be boring and irritating at the same time’. All she needs to do now is raise an eyebrow and say, ‘You’re multi-tasking again . . .’ and he gets the message.

One other point here too, before we move on. If you’re going to dish it out, you’ve got to be able to take it. Believe it or not, you may have habits of your own that irritate your partner. And they have to be allowed to say so without you taking umbrage, so long as they’re clearly trying to let you know with affection and humour. So take their feelings on board, even if you think it’s entirely reasonable to leave the bathroom door ajar, or to put an empty milk carton back in the fridge.^** If it bugs them, they have to be allowed to say so.