RULE 100

Friendships change

I recently heard from an old school friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen for about 25 years. We’d been best friends at one time. It was fantastic to hear from him and we met up and picked up just where we’d left off. Really good friends are like that. You can always carry on where you left off. And sometimes you leave off for quite a long time. And that’s OK.

The fact is that our lives change so much that it’s inevitable our friends will. When you look back over your life – school, college, that first job, the places you used to live – there are all sorts of friends whom you were close to then but now have little or no contact with. It happens to all of us. I lost a lot of school friends because I left at 16. While I was earning a living they were still worrying about getting their essay in by Thursday. We just stopped having much in common.

You can’t keep up with everyone you’ve ever formed a bond with. There wouldn’t be enough hours in the day. You’re not expected to go on seeing someone every week after you’ve left the area, or still to chat on the phone every few days now you’re working evenings. And you’re bound to see less of that mate of yours from Rule 98 who ended up marrying the partner you couldn’t stand.

All of this is normal. There’s no reason to feel guilty or resentful towards your friends when life takes you in different directions. It may be for a little while or it may be permanent. It’s just what happens and it’s no one’s fault.

Maybe the biggest change in friendships comes if you have children. Your childless friends don’t get it that you don’t want to go out partying until two in the morning any more, and that it’s no good asking you out at short notice because you won’t have time to organize a babysitter. Anyway your life is focused on nappies and getting enough sleep, while theirs is a million miles from that. By the time you’re thinking about school and football practice, you’ve almost lost touch entirely. And in any case you’ve met lots more parents through your kids and you have new friends now.

It’s no good beating yourself up over it. Looking back, I have friends I used to know whom I really miss, and others whose company I enjoyed at the time and now I’m happy with just the memories. There are a few friends from long ago who are really worth making the effort to stay in touch with, but even so the friendship changes. Sure, we can always pick up where we left off, but we see less of each other and we have different problems and interests and concerns than we once did. It makes the friendship different, but it makes it stronger too.