RULE 9

Choose friends you can trust

When you’re going through a break-up – or have just been through one – you’re very vulnerable. So you need to think carefully about who you confide in. Not all friends have your best interests at heart, even when they think they do, and you’ll be more readily swayed now than you usually would.

I’ll give you an example here. I knew a woman who was splitting up with her husband after many years of marriage. She had a group of three or four women friends who were very sympathetic, having all recently been through splits and divorces of their own. However, these splits had left the friends quite bitter and convinced that all men were bastards. So of course their advice to her reflected this. They encouraged her to take him to the cleaners, with the result that the divorce was extremely acrimonious. She later said that with hindsight the whole process would have been far easier for everyone if she hadn’t relied on that particular group of friends for support.

You can see why my friend thought that the best people to support her would be friends who had been through the same experience. However, in a relationship break-up, you’re better off finding friends whose experience isn’t quite so raw.

Obviously there are other friends you might also regret turning to. For a start, anyone who can’t keep a confidence, and especially anyone who is close to your ex. It’s not fair on the friend to compromise them, or ask them to pick sides. I’m not suggesting you should stop speaking to these friends – just don’t pour your heart out to them for now.

You also don’t need friends who are going to make you feel worse, or tell you that your life is over – or indeed that you’re lucky and other people have it much worse, which you won’t want to hear right now either.

So what sort of friends do you want? Friends you can trust, who can make you laugh at yourself occasionally, and who will help you to follow the Rules we’ve been establishing. So it isn’t helpful if they demonize your ex, bang on about how the split was all their fault, or encourage you in petty acts of revenge. If you have kids, you want friends who understand the importance of helping you find ways to keep the children protected and out of the way of emotional harm.

You know who your friends are, and why you chose them. When you’re at your most vulnerable, it’s important to be selective about who you turn to for support and advice, and keep your less responsible friends at arm’s length until you’ve started to recover your confidence.