RULE 54

Their attitude is as important as their achievements

What do you praise your child most for? Good schoolwork? Doing well in exams? Winning in sports? Passing grades in music?

Well done. If you’re a Rules parent you spotted that was a trick question and the answer should be: none of the above. Of course it’s important to congratulate your child on these things. They matter to them, so they’d be really upset if you didn’t care. But the things that they deserve most praise for are to do with their attitudes and their behaviour, not their achievements.

I know a little girl who really struggles to behave well. She wants to, but she’s so full of frustrations and angst that it just doesn’t seem possible to be good sometimes. Unluckily for her, she has a perfectly behaved older sister. Occasionally people compare the two and comment on how much better the older one is (I’m pleased to say her parents have more sense than to do this). I feel sorry for the little girl because I can see that she tries so hard to be good. Her sister, on the other hand, isn’t trying at all. So which one deserves the most praise? (Incidentally, going back to Rule 39, this is an excellent example of where carrots are so much more effective than sticks. This little girl tries so much harder when people notice she’s managed to behave well.)

The things you praise or reward your child for tell them a lot about what you believe is important in life. It helps create their values. So if you always praise high achievement, academic prowess, winning, success, those are the things you tell them matter (and the pressure is on them to keep achieving). Whereas if you praise effort, perseverance, progress, diplomacy, integrity, honesty – that’s what your children will grow up believing in.

Obviously you need a mix. I’m not saying you should ignore your child’s achievements. I’m just saying make sure you acknowledge all the things that you want to matter to them, and give some thought to the balance that you strike.