RULE 107

Remember they still need you

As your kids get older and leave childhood further behind, they’ll need you less and less (because you’ve done such a good job of raising them). But every so often, they’ll need you for something. It might be money of course, especially for the first few years. It might be advice. Maybe they want you to help look after their kids, or to mind the dog when they’re on holiday or help in the garden. Maybe they want the input of someone more experienced at selling a house or writing a CV or buying a car.

And then there are all the less tangible things. They still want your approval. They want you to look at their new house, or visit the new baby, or see the camper van they’ve converted. And although they may want lots of their friends to do these things too, that’s not the same. When they were little they always showed you their paintings or their sandcastles or their new clothes. This is just the same, only bigger. They need you to let them know they’re doing OK (although, of course, you’re never allowed to admit that’s what they’re doing – and nor will they).

And, of course, from time to time they’ll need you for the really big stuff. Emergency cover when they go into labour early, support through a divorce, help when the kids get seriously ill, somewhere to stay when the house gets flooded out. Those occasions when they need someone who will drop everything for them and ask questions later. If you’re a Rules parent, they’ll know that when the worst happens, you’ll be there for them without complaint or fuss (or guilt trips).

As Robert Frost said: ‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.’ And that’s what you need to be for your kids (with a bit more enthusiasm). Good parents are proud to be their kids’ first line of support, and are happy to be able to help in a crisis, not complaining that their own lives are being interrupted.

As your kids get older they’ll call on you less and less. Maybe they won’t ask for anything significant from you for years or even decades. But don’t be fooled into thinking that they don’t need you anymore because they do. They will always need you. Just never let them know that you know it.