RULE 76

Let up the pressure

Your child is going to want to get certain grades at school. Whether it’s exams or continuous assessment, whether it’s just for the sake of doing well or whether they actually need the grades in order to carry on with the subject or get onto the course they want – they will have to pass, and maybe pass particularly well.

They know this. The teachers keep telling them. Their friends keep telling them. They keep telling themselves. They really don’t need you to tell them as well. Too much pressure can be counter-productive, and it can cause genuine and sometimes serious psychological problems for children.

So what’s your job? You need to keep things in perspective for them. When you’re 16, for example, school is likely to give you the impression that your whole life hangs on your exam results. Well, chances are it doesn’t.^* I failed almost all my O-levels (yes, I’m old enough to have sat O-levels), and it’s done me no harm. Einstein famously failed his finals. (Notice how I classed myself together with Einstein then, just to make me feel good.)

You need to think about how stressed your child is about the whole exam thing. It’s quite probable that already they’re feeling the pressure a bit too much, even without your contribution. So rather than adding to the pressure, you need to add a bit of perspective instead. Look, it’s hard to see past the end of school when you’re a kid, and your job is to reassure your child that there are more important things in life than academic achievement, and that people who fail exams are just as likely to go on to become happy, fulfilled grown-ups. Yes, if they do well in their exams that will be wonderful, but if they don’t, the world won’t fall apart. If the poor child is already under too much strain, then you need to say something to take the pressure off, and actually give them a better chance of succeeding, rather than having a breakdown. And if that means reassuring them that it’ll be OK whatever happens, then that’s what you do.

But suppose you think they really aren’t stressed enough, that they aren’t taking it all seriously, and they don’t realize the implications? In that case you can highlight the implications without telling them to work harder, or questioning whether they can really afford to be watching the TV or going out with their friends. The way to do that is to ask them questions: how do you rate your chances of passing? Have you thought about what will happen if you don’t pass?

In the end, though, it has to be their choice how hard they work. You can’t force them. Even if you lock them in their room that’s no guarantee they’ll do it. So rather than add to their burden of pressure, why not be their salvation from it? The one place they can escape? And once they realize that you’re not going to make them work, they’re far more likely to learn self-discipline.