RULE 43

Don’t paint yourself into a corner

Oh, I’m dreadful at this one. It comes of being a spontaneous person (that’s my excuse). I come out with these things and then – bang! Before I know it I’ve made some kind of daft threat I can’t possibly see through. Not long ago I banned my son from watching TV for a whole year. Clearly unworkable, out of all proportion to the offence, and not in anyone’s interests. How do you get out of that one?^*

Fortunately, however, I’m not here to tell you to be like me. I’m just passing on what I’ve learnt from watching other parents, many of them more accomplished than I am. I do know when I’m getting this one wrong, and I am much better than I used to be (apart from the TV thing). And, as you know, that’s the key to being a Rules parent – we know when we have more to learn, and we keep working at it.

Of course, the big problem with banning TV for a year is that the real rule about threats is that you have to carry them out. If you tell your child they can’t get the stickle bricks out until they’ve put away the marbles, you have to make sure you follow it through. Otherwise, obviously, they’ll never take any notice of your threats once they discover they’re hollow.

A friend of mine never used to carry out threats and had rather out of control children as a result. After an enlightening conversation with a wise friend, he decided to try a different approach. On a family holiday he threatened his son, ‘If you don’t stop that, you won’t be going surfing tomorrow’. Son thinks: ‘Ha, course I will – Dad never does what he says, and if I don’t go surfing, somebody else would have to stay home to look after me.’

What he didn’t realize was that his dad had resolved to see the threat through. So when the behaviour continued, the dad followed through and missed the surfing himself in order to show he meant it. Not only did his son miss the surfing, but he spent the whole day with an extremely grumpy dad as he too was missing out because of his son’s behaviour. Needless to say it was very effective, and my friend was encouraged to carry out his threats in future.

So always carry out your threats and, therefore, don’t paint yourself into a corner with a threat you can’t or won’t see through. Think before you speak (note to self: must work harder at this one).