RULE 87

Show some respect for the things they care about

I know a man who started to develop psychological problems as a teenager. He used to spend as much time as he could in his bedroom listening to music, which was the one thing that really gave him pleasure. As time went on things became worse. Even after he’d left home the problems continued. Many years later he said a very interesting thing. He explained that one of the biggest blows to his confidence was the way his parents used to bang on about the awful music he listened to.

You see, when you criticise your teenager’s choices, you criticise them. It’s an age of fragile egos and easily knocked self-esteem, and it’s easy to make your teenager feel that you disapprove, or even that you don’t like them. Whether it’s their music or their politics or the way they dress or their decision to become vegetarian, they need to know that it’s OK with you.

It’s one of the many paradoxes of teenagers. On the one hand they want to rebel, to shock you, to do things that really get to you, and on the other hand they want your approval and your goodwill. I know it’s confusing for you, but it’s worse for them. They’re trapped inside minds and bodies that are trying to make the transition from dependent child to independent adult, and they don’t know what they want themselves half the time. One minute they want to grow up as fast as possible, and the next it’s all getting too scary and they want to slow down. You just have to accept it and go with the flow.

Meantime, take an interest in the things that they enjoy. They may not show it, but actually they’ll think that’s pretty cool. No need to go over the top – in fact please don’t, as there’s nothing worse than a forty-something dad pretending he’s into the latest dance music scene. Don’t try too hard – you’re just showing an interest here. You don’t have to pretend to be a huge fan of their music or clothes style, but you don’t have to put it down either. And actually, you might even discover all sorts of new things to enjoy. That’s one of the many plus sides to having a teenager: they’re close enough to adulthood to have some pretty sophisticated interests, and you can learn a lot from them if you’re broad-minded enough. And of course you are.