RULE 35

Communicate

It’s so easy as parents to miss the kids out of the loop. To begin with, they’re too small to understand. As they get bigger you’ve got out of the habit, and anyway, it’s just one more layer of complication to include them. Ah yes, but it’s also one more step towards an integrated family that operates smoothly as a team (at least on a good day).

So what am I banging on about this time? What sort of communication? Well, let me give you a couple of examples. Do you always remember to tell your kids when a visitor is expected? You probably do if it’s someone they’re excited about seeing, but what if it’s someone they don’t even know? Someone measuring up for a new sofa cover, or mending the washing machine. Do you tell your toddler every time you put them in the car where you’re going? It’s obvious to you, but not to them.

And don’t forget that communication works two ways. Yes, you’ve got to tell your team what’s going on (and ideally why) but you also need to ask for their input and actually listen to the response. Do you consult with your children about where you go on holiday? By the time they’re teenagers they’ll probably give you an opinion without waiting to be asked, but what about when they’re aged 6 or 7?

What about when you change your car? Do you ask the kids for their views? OK, you’re not going to buy a Lamborghini just because they want one, but you can ask what matters to them – plenty of room in the back, a roofrack for the surfboard, a sunroof. After all, if they’ve had their say, they’re much more likely to be happy with what you finally choose.

If you manage all the above every time, full marks to you. In fact, you should be writing this book, not me, because I still don’t always remember. But I remember often enough to see how much difference it makes to the kids to feel included and part of the family. And, actually, they can be damned useful too if they know what’s going on. They’re full of ideas which, OK, need a lot of sifting, but in among them can be some really useful suggestions I’d never have come up with otherwise.