RULE 51

Look for the similarities between you

With certain kids you can just skip on to the next Rule here. Sometimes your child reminds you of yourself constantly, and the tough thing is remembering that they don’t always think the same way as you.

But some children are the opposite. You look at them wondering how they can possibly be yours. You have nothing in common and you have no clue as to how their mind works. They behave in ways that are anathema to you. Why would anyone want to burst into tears when you get cross, you wonder, instead of answer back? How can they think of playing with slugs and spiders when you don’t even want to think about them?

Of course, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t like, admire and love this child as much as any other. But you may sometimes feel like an outside observer, and it can be hard to deal with their more emotional moments when they make no sense to you. Your child can pick up on this and there can be a sense of distance. Maybe your partner more often deals with them because they can identify with them better, but that only serves to emphasize the difference.

Now listen. I know how it feels, I’ve been there myself. But 50 per cent of this child’s genes come from you, and there must be something in there you can recognize. You need to find it because, if you don’t, your child may mistake your lack of empathy for lack of love. Especially if they have siblings, they may unconsciously realize that you seem closer to your other child or children. It can be particularly hard if you are also the opposite sex from them.

Anyone who has an adopted child will tell you how important this is. Many adoptive parents work really hard at this because they’re smart enough to see that it’s vital to find common ground with their kids. But some of the rest of us can feel just as different from our biological children, and we need to make the same effort to connect with them.

So keep looking until you find it. Of course children change, and sometimes a child you found it hard to identify with comes to resemble you far more as they grow up. But you can’t count on that. Find shared interests, or discover that you like the same books, or ask your parents if they see any similarities. Work hard on finding time for just the two of you to be together, and see if you have similar tastes even if your personalities seem a million miles apart.

If you do all this, your child will feel equally loved and involved with you, and that’s the most important thing. And the bonus is that it’s often the children who are most different from you, that you learn the most from.