RULE 40

Be consistent

When I was a kid, I could answer my mum back one day and she’d laugh and tell me she was pleased I could stand up for myself. Next day I could say the same thing and get walloped for it. And there was never any clue to which way she’d go. This applied not only to giving her backchat, but to most other things too. It meant I spent a lot of my time walking on eggshells.

It also meant I had no idea what was and wasn’t allowed – it seemed to be decided on some kind of secret lottery basis which I wasn’t privy to. So there was little point in regulating my behaviour. After all, I might get into trouble, but then again I might not. It generally seemed worth the risk – certainly to me.

Your kids are just the same. They need to know what is and isn’t acceptable. And they judge that by what was and wasn’t OK yesterday and the day before. If they’re not getting a consistent message, they’re clueless as to how they have to behave, and those all-important boundaries (Rule 31 again) aren’t being properly maintained. That means the kids feel confused, insecure and perhaps even unloved.

I’ll tell you the toughest thing about this Rule: it means that a lot of the time you can’t break the rules even when you want to. It’s just not fair on the kids. If you’ve decided that you don’t allow the kids to sleep in your bed with you, you have to stick to it (unless you’re prepared to change the rule permanently). Just because your little one was a bit sad about something today, and they’re so warm and snuggly and smelling of bathtime, and you’re feeling a bit down yourself anyway … no, no, no! Stop right there! Let them into your bed once and it will be ten times harder to say no to them next time, and they won’t understand why. Say no now (softly and with an extra hug) and you’re only being cruel to be kind (to yourself as well as them).

Did you notice back there I said ‘unless you’re prepared to change the rule permanently’? Of course, changing the rules is always an option. You might suddenly realize that life would be altogether sweeter if your child shared your bed every night, and you don’t know why you ever banned it in the first place. Well, you can change the rule (though best check with your partner first), but once you’ve changed it, you have to stick with it for a long time. Your kids will get just as confused if the rule changes every month as they will if it changes every night. So how long do you have to stick to the new version of the rule? If not permanently, at least until your kids have forgotten that it was ever different. And the older they get, the longer that will take.