RULE 80

Give them a voice

Your child has got to learn how to make decisions. And how to compromise. And how to work as part of a team. And how to negotiate. And what better way to teach them than to involve them in family decisions? They need to be consulted on decisions that affect them, just as you’d expect to be.

Of course, they don’t always get the casting vote. They need to understand that if it’s your house, your money, you have an ultimate right of veto. But that won’t always apply. In the end you can’t be railroaded by your kids into building a three-bedroomed extension just because they fancy a bedroom and a study each. But you can still consult them on how to change the existing space to get the best use from it.

As kids get older they need to practise making decisions, to be consulted, and to be treated more like adults. Why shouldn’t they choose what colour to paint their bedroom, especially if they’re going to do it themselves? I remember one of my teenage children filling a small hole in the bedroom wall – by the time he’d finished it was lumpy and bumpy and about six inches across. I didn’t smooth it off. I kept it as a memento of his first attempt at decorating. He’s long since left home but the lump is still there. He’s now extremely accomplished at painting and DIY, but it reminds me that you have to let your kids start somewhere.^*

And what about family holidays, while you still have them? You’ll have to set the budget, but by the time your kids are teenagers, everyone can decide collectively where to go. You can have a right of veto if you insist, but then so can they.

It’s not just about learning to make decisions, of course, important though that is. It’s also about getting your kids to feel involved in the family, included in choices that affect everyone. So you can apply it to setting rules too. The England World-Cup winning rugby team all sat down to agree the rules that would make them successful, and stuck to them because they had all helped formulate them (in other words, they ‘owned’ them, to use the yukky business jargon).

And, of course, the more opportunities you can find to treat your teenagers as responsible adults, the better your relationship will be, and the more they will be encouraged to behave like responsible adults. And that can only be a relief for everyone.