RULE 9

Don’t bad-mouth them in front of the kids

Don’t your parents drive you mad at times? And how about the in-laws? Very few of us have perfect relationships with the older generation, and some of us have decidedly sticky ones. Even when you broadly get on well, they’re bound to have at least a few irritating habits, and possibly a wealth of infuriating ones. When you finally close the door after they leave, you may well find that sometimes you breathe a huge sigh of relief.

So how do you cope? Well, most of us release some tension by having a good moan to someone. That’s human nature, and it’s fine, but on no account should that someone be your child. Or anyone in earshot of them. It’s not their job to help you dump the stress, so go and find someone else.

Why? Because it’s impossible for your child to have a good relationship with their gran or granddad if they feel that you – whose judgement they instinctively trust – don’t see them the same way. It’s confusing and upsetting for them to see you feeling negatively towards someone they may feel positive towards. Their relationship with their grandparent is theirs to work out, and you sticking your oar in makes it much harder for them to do that.

I know what you want to ask. What if your child has a moan about their grandparent first? You’re not changing their view then, are you? Yes you are, because you’re reinforcing it, and making it more negative than it needs to be. Besides, your child might have a bit of a moan now but have forgotten it by tomorrow. But they won’t forget you agreeing with them about how Granddad never shuts up, or how ratty Gran can be.

What do you do then? I’ll tell you what you do. You sympathize with your child if they’ve been upset, but you put the case for the defence. You point out kindly that Gran gets very tired and her arthritis is bad, so it’s harder to be even-tempered. You remark that Granddad might talk a lot, but that’s because he’s interested and enthusiastic.

If you’re bringing your child up even half-right, they’ll be able to form their own opinion eventually. Until they do, you have to do everything in your power to nurture and support their relationships with their grandparents. Even if they can be deeply irritating.