RULE 47

The right of expression

You may feel that you have an easier life when your kids are on an even keel. No rows, no tears, no outbursts. You’re quite right, it’s much easier. But it’s not good for kids to be like that all the time. They have strong emotions and they need to be able to show them. When they’re angry, they have to be allowed to say so. Your job is to teach them to say so in an acceptable way, and not to conceal their feelings no matter what.

I’ve known families where the kids get told off for being angry, regardless of how they do it. Of course, they must learn to be angry without being aggressive, abusive or threatening, but they must still be allowed to feel angry and to say so. Anger can be justified, anyway, and your kids have to know they can express justified anger without being told off for it. They need to hear, ‘I can see exactly why you’re angry, but it still isn’t OK to swear at your sister.’

A child that isn’t allowed to express their feelings won’t be able to get rid of them – even grown-ups struggle with that one. All the child can do is bottle them up, and that can lead to emotional and even physical problems. What’s more, they’ll grow into an adult who can’t say how they feel, which can be hugely damaging in all sorts of relationships, especially close partnerships.

People who have grown up without rows may not understand that if you row it can still be alright afterwards. So they’re afraid to argue with their partner in case their partner walks out on them. That means problems aren’t aired, resentments build up, feelings are bottled up, and all that stuff we know isn’t healthy.

I know we’re still in the discipline section of this book (just), but while we’re on the subject of expressing feelings, I just want to stress how good it is for kids to cry. And adults, come to that. Not many parents discipline their kids for crying, but I’ve heard plenty tell their child, ‘Don’t be a baby’, or ‘Come on, it’s not that bad’. Well, obviously it feels that bad to them, or they wouldn’t be crying, would they? They’ll learn soon enough at school not to cry when it’s inappropriate, so you don’t need to worry about that. I learnt many years ago from a very dear friend that the correct response when someone is crying (this goes for adults, too) is not ‘There, there, don’t cry’, but ‘That’s it. Let it out. Let it all out’.