RULE 73

Put up with friends of theirs you don’t like

Have your children got any friends you’re not keen on? That wild one in nursery who pulls other kids’ hair when no one’s looking? The girl in Year 5 who’s their best friend one day and not speaking to them the next? The 15-year-old who’s always playing truant (and you’re quite sure he smokes)?

Yep, right through your child’s school career there will be friends you wish they didn’t have. Maybe you feel they upset your child, or they’re a ‘bad influence’, luring them into cheeking the teachers or bunking off games. My mother hated any friends who didn’t talk ‘properly’ (bit of a problem in the south London school she sent me to). Still, at least she never found out about the one who taught me to make homemade explosives in his garden shed.

So what can you do about it? Well, assuming you’ve read the title of this Rule you know what I’m going to say. That’s right – you can just put up with it. Your child has got to learn how to pick friends for themselves, even if you don’t like their choices. They have to decide for themselves when they’ve had enough of Kirstie playing hot and cold with their friendship. Or whether skiving off with Jake during French is really a good idea.

Ultimately, their decisions will come down to the values you’ve managed to impart. It takes time – they have to experiment with the wrong friends in order to recognize the right ones. So don’t beat yourself up if they’re hanging out with a wild crowd at the age of 6. In the end your good parenting will show through.

In the meantime, they’re learning loads from their friends, whether it’s good or bad. Flunking your French exams because you never turned up to lessons actually teaches you a lot more than turning up regularly and passing the exams.^* Bad friends teach your kids loads, especially so long as you can keep their feet on the ground.

Anyway, how do you know their friends are bad? Maybe your child has a wild streak that needs to be indulged, even if you don’t share it or like it. And perhaps that kid who smokes is also tremendously loyal. The child who plays with your daughter’s emotions might also stick up for her in front of the class bully. Or be able to make her laugh when she’s having a bad day. You don’t have to put up with your child smoking or vandalising cars of course, but the friends who do so may still be valuable as friends.

Personally, although I have favourites among my children’s friends, I’m happy to put up with all of them. Even the ones I like least clearly give my kids something worth having. It’s just some of the parents I have a problem with.