RULE 106

Don’t guilt-trip them

This is the other big lever some parents use to control their grown-up children: guilt. Some of them lay it on really thick too, but our children are sensitive creatures and even the most subtle guilt-tripping makes its point.

The most common subject of these guilt trips is the amount of attention the ‘child’ pays to their parent. Comments like, ‘Your sister phones every week’ or ‘I know you’re ever so busy at weekends. I wish I could say the same’, are all intended to make the kids feel bad about not spending more time with their parents. Even, ‘Oh, it’ll be so lonely here once you leave home’.

Look, let’s get something straight. Your kids owe you nothing. Nothing. I don’t care how much blood, sweat and tears went into those first 18 years of their lives. They didn’t ask to be born, and having chosen to have kids, you became responsible for all that effort. You owe them loads, but they owe you zilch. So it’s never OK to give your kids the impression that they owe you anything – time, attention, money or anything else.

Of course, if you’re a good Rules parent your children will want to do loads for you. And the fact that they don’t actually owe it to you should make it all the more precious when they choose to give it to you. Good kids will look after you in your old age because you’ve earned it and they love you. Some kids look after their parents out of guilt, but they don’t enjoy it and they resent their parents for it, and that’s not what you want. You want time and attention that your kids give you freely because you deserve it. And you’ll never get that if you guilt-trip them.

You must have friends who say things like, ‘I’ve got to go and see my father this weekend. I haven’t seen him for a month’, or, ‘I’m busy this evening – my mum calls every Wednesday and it always takes me at least two hours to get her off the phone’. Maybe you’ve even said such things yourself. But you don’t want your kids talking about you like that. You want them to say, ‘I can’t make it – I really want to see my parents this weekend’ or ‘I haven’t spoken to Mum properly for a couple of weeks and I do miss a good chat with her’. So lay off the guilt because however much they’ll do for you through guilt, they’ll do twice as much without the guilt, and you’ll know they’re enjoying it.

In fact, the best gift of all you can give your children is independence. Not theirs; yours. If you are emotionally, socially and financially independent, you free them of all guilt. That way, anything they do for you they’ll be doing out of love.