RULE 18

It’s not about you – it’s about them

Let’s be clear about something. Having kids isn’t compulsory. You don’t have to do it. But if you do decide you’re going to go for it, you have to be prepared to put the kids first. No, that doesn’t mean giving them everything they want – often the reverse is the case. But it does mean making decisions based on what’s good for them, not what’s good for you.

Do you want some for instances? OK then. I’ve known parents have their child sleep in their bed with them at 6 or 7 years old – not because it’s what the child needs, but because the parent doesn’t want to stop. It really is lovely having your child snuggle up next to you, but it doesn’t help them to become independent, manage their own sleep patterns, overcome any anxiety about the dark and so on. And if it’s not what all their friends are doing … well, I’d refer you back to Rule 14.

Here’s another. A friend told me recently that her daughter really likes the look of a degree course at a uni a couple of hundred miles away. My friend said she was trying to put her daughter off, and persuade her to do a different course that runs at our local uni so she could live at home. I said I was sure her daughter would cope fine with being away at uni, to which my friend replied that she knew that, but that she wasn’t ready to let go of her daughter yet.

What’s best for your child is often best for you, too. But sometimes it isn’t. Often we make excuses to justify ourselves (fair play to my friend, who at least admitted why she wanted to influence her child’s choice of university). Parents will tell you that their child wakes in the night, for example, so it’s easier to sleep in the same bed. We tell ourselves that our child isn’t old enough to do this or that, or they’re more anxious than most, or it’s healthier this way, or it’s impractical to let them do such and such.

But deep down, we know perfectly well what we’re doing. We just aren’t admitting it, even to ourselves. Because if we did, we’d have to switch to doing what suits our children instead. Sometimes it’s very tough, but once we’ve made the choice to do the whole kids thing, we have to be honest with ourselves and put them first.

And actually, that’s where the real joy in having kids comes. Putting other people first isn’t a prison for ourselves – it’s liberation. As long as we’re focused on other people, we can’t mope, pine for the past, be miserable, feel sorry for ourselves, harbour grudges – because all those things are about ourselves, and we’re distracted when we think about other people. And who better than our own kids? Yes, it’s warm and snug having your child all cosy in bed with you. But watching them grow into independent, capable adults trumps it every time.