RULE 96

All of your actions speak louder than any of your words

Here’s a Rule that doesn’t only apply in a crisis, but that’s when it becomes hugely important. You know they say kids never listen? Well, it’s not true, but it is true that they take less note of your words than they do of the way you behave. Kids can spot hypocrisy at 100 paces, and they won’t put up with it. They’ll judge you by your actions.

I’m not just talking about negative words and actions. I’ll give you an example. Suppose you have the sense to understand that it’s good to let your emotions out and have a good cry. You can tell your children that as often as you like, but if they see you going through the same trauma and never crying, they’ll find it a lot harder to follow your words than they will if your actions back them up. If it’s really OK to cry (which it is, of course) then show them. Let them see you tearful and unembarrassed by it.

I have friends who fell on hard times a few years ago when the husband lost his job. They kept telling their two teenage kids there was no shame in having less money than other people, and not to be uncomfortable about being unable to afford some of the things their friends had. On one occasion the family went to lunch with some very wealthy friends, and the parents parked the car round the corner so their hosts wouldn’t see what a beat-up old wreck they drove. I can promise you the teenagers spotted the hypocrisy of this instantly. I know, because it was the kids that told me about it.

It’s an example of that classic parental line: ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’ There’s no excuse for ever saying this to your child. If you can do it yourself then do it. If you can’t, why expect the kids to?

Your kids will watch how you cope in difficult situations, and they will take that as their cue. Whether you are jealous, angry, petty, bickering, uncontrolled, ashamed or just plain give up, they will grow up to believe that’s an acceptable way to behave, regardless of what you might tell them to the contrary. On the other hand, if you behave with dignity, integrity, humanity, consideration and courage, that will influence them more than anything you can say.