RULE 103

Encourage them regardless

When my daughter left school, she went to university. The uni she chose was in Manchester and I remember going to visit it with her and hoping she wouldn’t choose it, but she did. She grew up in the country and I just couldn’t see her in a big city so far from home. I didn’t tell her that. I just did my best to encourage her to do what she thought was best. And I’m very glad I did, because I was completely wrong. She had a great time.

It would be daft to suppose that you’d think every choice any of your kids ever make is wise, from the jobs they take to who they settle down with, to the way they raise their own kids. But they’re grown-ups now and they’re just as likely to be right as you are. More likely, probably, because they know themselves better than you do. And the example I’ve just described shows you one very good reason why you should keep your opinions to yourself and encourage them anyway: you’ll just look very silly when you’re wrong otherwise.

Sometimes, of course, you’ll be right. But if they’re making a poor choice, that’s all the more reason why they need your encouragement and support. After all, if you’re following Rules 99 and 100 you won’t tell them you disagree with their choice. So you might as well support them. The point is that it’s their life and their choice, as we’ve already established, and your only options are to support them or to undermine them.

There’s another good reason to support them as well: it means you’re saved from the awful temptation of saying, ‘I told you so’ when it all goes wrong – which, as I hope you know, is about the worst thing you can say to your child and is unforgivable under all and any circumstances.

Some kids will be terribly upset if they think you aren’t backing their choices. Others will rebel and do the opposite of what you want if they feel any pressure from you. Even without following one of these extremes, your child still needs to know you’re on their side, even after they’ve left home. That’s why it’s not enough to be neutral; you need actively to encourage them.

And if you really think they’re wrong? That’s fine. It’s OK to be wrong sometimes. And you’re not encouraging your child to do the wrong thing. You’re encouraging them to do what they believe is best, right or wrong.