RULE 95

It’s better to agree than to be right

Divorce is perhaps the most frequent major crisis for children, at least in the western world, and this Rule is really specifically for parents during divorce (or the equivalent if you’re not actually married). It’s very easy to see divorce as something that happens between two people who were together and aren’t any more. Of course, you know your kids are a factor, but they seem to be in the next sphere of ripples out from the central event.

It’s more realistic to see divorce as something that happens to the whole family, and the kids are as central to it as anyone else. They may not be the ones making the decisions, but they are just as involved. What’s more, however bad divorce is, most parents choose it because it’s at least better than the alternative of staying together. For the kids, however, there may be no plus side at all to their parents’ split. It may well seem like the worst option of all.

So making the divorce as bearable as possible for the kids, who are helplessly stuck in the crossfire of your decisions, is paramount. And the most important thing you can do for them is to agree as much as possible with your partner. Whether you’re discussing who gets what, what happens to the house, child custody or anything else, do your utmost to reach an agreement. And that means even when you know it’s not fair.

You might be perfectly justified in taking your ex to the cleaners, fighting them for every penny they’ve got, demanding to keep the house, asking for a higher share of their income … but actually, none of that matters as much as agreeing with them, finding an amicable working arrangement with them, and letting the kids get back to rebuilding their lives.

This one can be really tough, especially when you feel – quite rightly for all I know – that you’ve been appallingly mistreated and are being hammered by your ex. I know justice and revenge can taste very sweet, but surely they can’t be worth having at the expense of your kids? Of course they can’t. This is one of those things that really sorts the Rules from the non-Rules parents. Before you do or say anything rash, stop and think about whether this is really going to help your kids. And if you can’t honestly answer yes, don’t do it.