RULE 99

Back off

You had 18 years to get your kids to where you wanted them to be. I don’t mean you got them into a job as a top lawyer, doctor, footballer or whatever. I mean you had 18 years to equip them with everything they would need to be happy in life.

Well, time’s up. You’ve had your 18 years. Now back off. If they haven’t learnt it by now it’s too late. From here on it’s up to them and you can’t interfere any more. If you see them doing something you don’t like, that’s tough. You should have thought of that before. You missed your chance, mate.

There’s only one thing left you can still teach them, and that’s to stand on their own two feet without you there to lean on. And the only way you can teach them that is by backing off. The whole of the last 18 years will have been wasted if you don’t give them the chance to practise everything you taught them. What was the point of teaching them to be independent, think for themselves, make decisions and all the rest of it, unless you let them get on with it?

And you know what? If you’re half the Rules parent I think you are, they’ll do a damn good job with you out of their hair. If you keep interfering, you’re effectively saying, ‘I didn’t do my job properly, and you still need help’.

Besides, we all know what happens when parents interfere. It’s patronising at best, and destructive at worst. It makes it impossible to have a good adult relationship with your children. Every time you interfere you’re telling them they’re not capable of living their lives by themselves. That won’t do their confidence any good, and I doubt it’s true anyway. They may not be very good at living the life you want them to, but if you’re a decent Rules parent that won’t apply.

Of course, we don’t stop learning when we’re 18. I expect your kids have got a lot to learn. (Maybe you have too.) I hope so, or they’ll have pretty boring lives. But they have to go and learn it from somewhere else now. I don’t know where – that’s up to them now (that’s the point). They can choose what they learn, and how, and where from, and who with.

From now on you’re taking a very background role in their training. In fact, so far in the background they won’t even notice it. Because your only job now is to back off. There, I’m sure you’ve got the point. So I’ll just back off.