RULE 92

The aftershock can last forever

Of course, eventually your children should get over their crises, or at least come to terms with things. In time they’ll come to accept – as we all do – that their parents are divorced, or that someone has died. If they’ve been through illness or injury, they’ll learn to cope with the fact that they have lost a limb or can’t eat everything their friends can. If they’ve had to relocate with you, they’ll make new friends sooner or later, and settle in at their new school.

But that doesn’t mean that it’s all over with. Some crises pass and leave you back where you started, but most leave you somewhere a little bit different. Sometimes very different. A child may have come to terms – as much as you ever can – with the death of a parent, but they will forever be a child growing up without a father or a mother. That still sets them apart, and will always carry disadvantages over and above the initial trauma. Every school sports day or prize-giving will be different for them, every birthday, Christmas or family event will have something missing.

The same goes for divorce. Just because your child accepts that you are no longer together, and may even be relieved to be past the emotional splitting-up stage, they still have to spend the rest of their childhood with parents who live in different houses and don’t communicate as well as they once did. Holidays won’t be the same. School plays will involve uncomfortable arrangements to make sure the parents don’t meet, or embarrassing encounters if they do. And your child will have to learn to accept their parents’ new partners, maybe even step-parents.

Maybe your child has been through illness or injury. I know a 3-year-old who had to have his leg amputated after a car accident. He seems to have coped remarkably well and bravely, but he will always be a child with a leg missing. That will affect what activities he can take part in – whether he’s unable to or whether he becomes driven to outperform everyone else to prove himself – and it could mark him out for bullying as he gets older, or for being pussyfooted around. Whatever the effects, positive or negative, it will be different from growing up with the usual two legs.

As a parent you will no doubt be aware, often painfully so, of the long-term changes for your child. But not everyone else will be and that can be hard to take. Sometimes you’ll have to point it out (maybe when you feel you shouldn’t have to), and sometimes you’ll need to give your child extra support and let them know that you know. Big crises will affect your child for life, but be reassured that some of the changes may be positive, even in a bad situation. Your child may become more independent, or more empathetic, or tougher, and that can be for the best.