RULE 49

Every child should have something they know they’re good at

I have a cousin who has severe learning disabilities and is physically poorly co-ordinated, which makes art, sport or playing an instrument very difficult. For many years it was hard to see what he was good at, quite honestly. His brother was a very talented musician and loved to listen to music, and it gradually became clear that although Dan couldn’t play an instrument like his brother, he had a huge appreciation for music. If you put a tape on in the car, within two bars he would shout out the first line of the song. Yep, that’s right, he was brilliant at something – he could win ‘beat the intro’ against anyone.

Now most kids are luckier than this – they don’t have the odds so heavily stacked against them. But it shows that even the most challenged kids can still be good at something. Your child needs to know that they’re good at something – beat the intro will do fine – for their self-esteem. If you want them to grow up feeling they can contribute something to the world, and hold their head up, this is their starting place. As time goes on, it will give them the confidence to find other things they’re good at too. Some kids are good at loads of things, and some at only one or two that really matter to them. Your job is to keep looking until you find the thing they can excel at, and then make sure they know it.

It doesn’t have to be anything academic or school-oriented (music, sport, art), although these will do fine. It might be that they’ve got the best memory and can remind you of all the things you’ve forgotten to put on the shopping list. Or maybe they’re the best organizer in the family and can keep all the DVDs in order. Or perhaps they cook a mean macaroni cheese, or they have a way with animals. Just make sure they know they’re good at it and – almost more important – they know that you know they’re good at it.

By the way, this is even more important as you go down the family. The oldest is generally better than their siblings at most things for a long time. If you have several children, it’s pretty difficult for the younger ones to shine (I was number five so I know what I’m talking about). So make sure the little ones manage to find their niche too.