RULE 22

See things from their point of view

All children have a huge chip on their shoulder. They’re convinced that we take less notice of how they feel just because they’re kids. They reckon we ignore them, we disregard their feelings, we don’t care if our decisions upset them. And you know what? They’re absolutely right.

We all do it. Not all the time, of course, but too much of the time. I know I do, and I’ve never met a parent who didn’t. We tell ourselves (if we think about it at all) that we know what’s best for them and they don’t. Sometimes that’s true, but not always.

Up to a point this is unavoidable. I mean, most kids will always want to go to bed later than is good for them. They’ll usually want to live exclusively on ice cream and chocolate, and they’ll want to play hooky from school for the next 11 years and go to the beach instead. OK, so we know this is a bad idea and we have to make them do it our way, but that still doesn’t mean we can’t see it from their point of view. Actually, I suspect that left to their own devices, most children would pretty soon start behaving a lot more sensibly than we give them credit for.

Look, children often view the world differently from us. Sometimes they view it the same way but we just don’t think about their perspective. Either way, they get understandably stroppy when they think we’re ignoring them. It’s all part of Rule 16 – treat them with respect. So it’s important to let them know that you can see their viewpoint. (If you can’t see it, I’m sure they’ll fill you in if you ask.)

The other day, I was just about to go out with the children and one of them was watching TV. So I told him to turn it off and get in the car. He flipped. I told him firmly that we had to pick someone up from the station, and that was more important than the TV. We had an argument about it. Both of us got heated and both of us hated it. I found myself wondering if there wasn’t a better way.

Then I remembered Rule 22. So I asked my son to tell me what the problem was. He explained that it was his favourite programme and he’d missed it for the last two weeks. I sympathised and offered to record it for him. Problem solved. And actually, it was nothing to do with the programme itself, it was resolved because he felt I cared about his feelings. It would have helped if I’d remembered Rule 22 sooner of course – but I was busy following Rule 2 (no one is perfect). That’s my excuse, anyway.