RULE 78

Don’t panic

Teenagers. I’ve been there. And it’s a scary place. Suddenly your adorably cute little child has turned into someone you don’t recognize. At best they’re sullen and uncommunicative, at worst they’re a monster out of hell.

So the first Rule is: don’t panic. It’s supposed to be like this. You’re not the only parent to go through this – most of us do. A few get off lightly, but if you have more than one child, it’s almost unheard of to get them all through their teens painlessly. And it’s probably not even healthy.

Do you remember your child going through the terrible twos? Well, now they’re back – and this time they’re much bigger and much scarier. The terrible twos are about your toddler realizing that they’re not an extension of you and pushing boundaries to find out what they can and can’t do, now they have their own minds. And the teens are a grown-up version of this. Your child has got to go their own way in life, and they have to be able to do it alone. So this is where they break free. And they don’t always agree with you about how far they can stray.

Add to that all sorts of hormonal surges and swooshes and flurries, some of which actually affect their brain function and communication skills (look up the research on the internet if you don’t believe me), and it’s no wonder you’re in for a spot of bother.

I’ve known kids who get the whole teenage angst thing over with by the time they’re 16 or 17, and others who don’t do it at all until they’re in their early 20s, but almost all of them do it at some time and to some degree. Broadly speaking, the ones who enjoy being children, maybe who like being the baby of the family if they’re the youngest, hit it later than the ones who’ve been itching to be adults since they were 2 years old. But they all have to do it if they’re ever going to break free of you.

I have a friend who thought she’d got away with it when her daughter turned 18 with no visible teenage stroppiness and angst to speak of. Then bam! Six months later she became sullen and grumpy and did the whole teenage thing just as most of her contemporaries were coming out of it. You see – it’s not safe to turn your back on them for a moment.

The good news is that once they come out the other side, the familiar person you knew will be back. Changed, of course – older and wiser – but still with all those values and ideals you spent so long working on intact. You just need to keep the faith and stick it out for a few years and it will all be OK.