The best way to look at, and improve, your family life is to break it down into the ‘who’s who’, as there are often different issues with mums, dads, brothers and sisters, grandparents and children. That’s why there are spokes on this wheel for seven different types of family relationships. Of course, you may not have all seven and, in those instances, just miss out that section and plot your wheel in such a way as links the nearest two points either side.

So here’s the Family Wheel. First you’re going to rate each relationship, as it is now, using the guidance given below. Give yourself honest marks out of 10 (high marks being good, low marks being bad/poor).

Your significant other

Have you got one? A husband, wife, life partner or lover? Do they rock your world? Or do they wreck your world? Do they make you feel like the most special person in the world or do they make you feel you are last on their list? Is the magic still there? If so, you get a high mark.

On the other end of the scale, it could be that you have lost the initial spark, the relationship is destructive in some way or you’re not quite sure where this relationship is going. It could also be that your current relationship with your significant other is somehow limiting your own development or that maybe you’ve become too dependent and needy. Give yourself a mark out of 10 on the ‘Significant other’ spoke of your wheel.

Your Mum

So how is your relationship with the person who brought you into this world? Are you very close – best friends even – or have you found yourself growing apart over the years? Do you see your mother as often as you should or are you often too ‘busy’? Giving yourself a mark out of 10 for your relationship with your Mum is a tough one, but take a good hard look at your relationship with her and give yourself as truthful a mark as you can.

Your Dad

If you thought marking your relationship with your Mum was hard, marking your relationship with your Dad is even harder. Dads are a funny bunch; I should know as I am one! Do you have a strong loving relationship with your father or have you always found relating to him a little tricky? Perhaps you haven’t seen him in a long time or maybe he’s your rock. Give yourself a mark out of 10 for your relationship with your Dad.

Your children

Having children is one of the incredible experiences of your life – if not the most. If you have them you’ll know it is complex, frustrating, rewarding and gratifying and that can all occur before breakfast!

Your job is to measure your relationship with your child or children, as it is now. If you have more than one child, you can add extra spokes and mark the relationship with each of your children.

Do you have incredible kids who make you proud, who do as they are asked, who wouldn’t look too out of place in The Waltons? Or are they driving you up the wall right now? Is it fabulous or frustrating; does it change each day? Give yourself an honest mark about how you feel your relationship is with your kids.

Your siblings

Brothers? Sisters? One of each, older or younger? When we are growing up they are some of the most important people in our lives, but when we get older and more independent is that still the case?

If you haven’t heard from your brother or sister in months and you’re not really bothered because you think they are a pain in the neck, then that could be marked high or low. I’ll let you decide. What does matter is whether it worries and concerns you – is there something deeper beneath this distance? Or you could be lucky and be thinking, ‘My relationship with my brother/sister(s) is amazing, I get high marks here’. Then, well done, give them a call and tell them it’s just how you want it to be.

Your grandparents and older relatives

If you have grandparents, lucky you. Mine are just memories now and I miss them. So, if you have a grandparent or grandparents, how do you rate your relationship with them? Have you worked hard to develop a close and loving relationship over the years? Do you see them regularly and do you take care of them? Or is it a chore to go and see them? You have so little in common that you simply do your duty and show your face or call now and then. Give yourself a mark and if you have any other older relatives give yourself a mark for your relationship with them too.

Your aunts and uncles

So how is that aunt/uncle to nephew/niece relationship? It’s often the case that we see a lot of our aunts and uncles when we are young, but as we get older we drift apart. Do you know when their birthdays are and do you send them cards? When was the last time you just called in? If you feel comfortable with the time and energy you place in that relationship, then give yourself a nice high mark; if not, you know what to do.

Adding it all up

Now join up the scores to see how your Family Wheel is looking. Once you’ve done that you could argue that getting a low mark in some areas is OK as you get higher marks in the ‘most important areas’ of the wheel. I agree, but as you did the exercise, if there was a little tug on your heart as you scored a low mark in an area, then turn to that chapter and see if there is a message there for you.